Special bedtime.

I took kdp's advice. Well, maybe it wasn't advice exactly but I took it to heart anyway.
She said that she just listened to her girls at nighttime. Tried to talk as little as possible. But mostly listened and answered questions.

Tonight, I felt it would be nice to breakaway from our usual pattern of bath, brush teeth, read stories, tuck, sing, pray, kiss, close door.
I was worried they would go nuts because patterns comfort them. If I stray from the usual, will they actually go to sleep?
I tried it.
It was magical.
They have so many wonderful thoughts.
So many perfectly wonderful things to say.
It was like falling in love all over again.
They are so sweet.
I love LOVE my precious adorable babies.
Thank you kdp for an unforgettable nighttime.
What a gift!
Thank you Father for the honor of raising them.

I have a friend, some of you met her at the last playdate, her name is Wendy. She has joined the B-team. (The very first B-team I have ever been proud to be a member of... Blog-team)
Here she is: http://wendy-scrapsoflife.blogspot.com/
Go take a look!

One of those.

Ever had one of those days?
THIS is one of them.
How great would it be to be a gorilla right now?
I would roar and beat my chest repeatedly.
And when I finished, everything would be better.
That is all I can say about that.

seedless fruit.

When did seeds in fruit become 'inconvenient?'
I mean, honestly...
Is that not, after all, the point?
Eat it. Replenish it. The circle of life.

I have thought about this since our last playdate.
I bought a seedless watermelon. Thinking it would put the mothers of the very young at ease.
If there were no seeds to choke on, no one would worry about it.
(In the end, it didn't matter because I bought a rotten watermelon and had to throw it away.)
But I started thinking about it that evening as I lay on my bed, drifting off to sleep.

Who thought of that?
Seedless fruit.
And what kind of mad skills must someone have to remove the seeds from fruit without leaving a huge gash in it? I joke.
But so much technology must go into breeding and crossbreeding this hybrid called "seedless."

What are we after?
Will there come a time when all that is left is that one last watermelon? (referring to the do-do birds on the movie ice age... good flick...)
All because we removed the very thing that life needed to sustain itself for the sake of convenience?
Have we become a people so fraught with the 'necessity' of convenience that we can no longer appreciate the true necessity of replenishing?
What will they think of next - pitless peaches?

I began to liken myself to the seedless fruit: the church (community of believers) to the vine.
I have been the seedless watermelon.
Once cut away from the vine, I would grow no more. And once whatever sweet pulp I had had been used up, there would be no more. No seeds for future use. For growth. Although the fruit itself was good, what is left is meaningless without the seed.
I guess in the end, I'd rather find the balance.
Lord, let me not be content to wither on the vine (or fade into the pew).
But please Lord, while I remain on the vine, let seeds be instilled in my soul.
Seeds of usefulness. Seeds of purpose. Seeds for replenishing.
Let me not become that rotten seedless watermelon, whose purpose was best served fermenting in the bottom of my trash can.
If I have something, anything that is of use, USE ME...

I'd like to thank the academy...

where do i begin?

• I have to say thanks to kdp and her pilot who bailed me out of a major dilemma. They were johnny on the spot when i called them on thursday night at 6'ish begging for their muscles and their pickup. three clicks of my heels later, they showed up at my house ready to rock-n-roll. how very comforting it was that you were so available to us! (i'll try not to cash in on your good graces again anytime soon) thank you! the good news: all that big stuff has already sold so you're completely off the hook.
• Also, meems. she brought us route 44 sonic cherry limeades at nearly 12 midnight. You have no idea how badly La wanted one. no really, no idea. the bounce in your step is a mood-lifter anytime.
• rw, i know you're just pretending that you're shy - you're really the life of the party - (bossy-bossertons) hehe! it has been a pleasure to get to spend time with you.
• E. dearest e. You are wonderful! I love the way you got excited every time someone said 'stroller' or 'aquarium.' You have so many endearing qualities, not the least of which is your fun-loving excitement (even when caused by lack of sleep).
• Missy and Colleen, without you two darlings, this would literally never have been possible! you two did an exquisite job loving those babies. for real.
• La. I cannot thank you enough for being the kind of person you are. you have exceeded my expectations and caused me to rethink my own ideas of what servanthood means. There is apparently no challenge too large for you to take on. You amaze me! Thanks for starting this whole shin-dig up and seeing it through!

I think that may have been longer than a real acceptance speech.

I'm going to bed.
See you in the morning.

So many stories, so little time.

I have some catching up to do.
I committed to doing this blog thing for posterity's sake.
I wanted to have one spot where most, if not all, of my memories of the kids were stored.
Here are a few:

Two nights ago, we were reading bedtime stories and, as a rare treat, Daddy was here with us.
All 4 of us were snuggled in A's new bed (the hottest new commodity in our house) and A. started petting my leg. She was doing it so sweetly and intently, it caught my attention.
I focused my gaze on her, thinking about her delicate mannerisms.
She looked up at me, perplexed, and said, "momma? You's pokey legs."
_______________________________________________________

About 3 days ago, I was having a particularly hard time remembering how blessed my life truly is.
I think I stooped over to pick up 107 baskets full of toys.
My hunny had gone back to work after vacation.
My children literally had it out for me. (of this, I am certain)
I griped to anyone that would listen and found myself near tears numerous times.
My vacuum cleaner, which had been put on the seriously endangered list over 2 weeks ago, became extinct.
All was not well in my world. As I prepared the 2nd dinner for my ever-hungrier, always growing kids: I calmly tried to explain to them that, "Mommy doesn't want to chase you around all day picking up senseless messes. I want to play with you. With one or two toys. We CAN have fun with one or two toys and then put them away and eat our "2nd" dinner. I just don't want to have to be cleaning up huge messes all the time!!!"
My son then responded, "But mommy, That's your JOB..."
Leave it to a 4-year old to coin the perfect 'job description' for motherhood.
It again became my pleasure to be his momma.

____________________________________________________

Just keepin' it real.
Tonight I went to church.
I'll give you all a moment to recuperate...
So I have NEVER been to a Wednesday night service before. It was nice. The kids LOVED it!
A. got to go into JAM/Rainbows with her big bubba and that was a special treat.
Afterwards, momma got to go chat with some of the girls!
Fun was had by all.
We laughed.
We cried.
We peed our pants.
In the middle of the foyer.
Not me, my child, (I might have preferred it to have been me.)
I am certain of my potty-trained-ness.
Her stance (as ree reminded me) was not unlike that of an ostrich, watching the stream hit the floor.
kdp, was a most worthy accomplice as we discovered the contribution to the carpeting. Together, we locked hips and worked on a coverup.
Marme, scolded me as I tried to flee the scene, reminding me of the location of the janitor's closet...
Se la vie.

Conversations:

After going through the story of Jacob and Esau, due to non-stop squabbling:

What's your favorite color?
boy child: red
girl child: blue

What's your favorite animal?
boy: cow
girl: kitty cat

What's your favorite thing to eat?
boy: Fruit snacks
girl: Shrek

What's your favorite thing to do with daddy?
Boy: wrestle
girl: I wanna hold you.... (as she crawls into his kangaroo pouch/lap)

What's your favorite thing to do with mommy?
boy: love mommy
girl: Clean the house, followed by "I don't wanna go to bed - waaaaahhhhh..."

Some night.
Sweet kids.
Onery as they can be.
Shrek?

big bummer.

I faithfully took pictures at our little get-together today (for those of you who, for reasons I cannot explain, missed) and I was snapping this adorable shot when my "INTERNAL MEMORY FULL" light flashed onscreen. I have about 3 mediocre shots on my memory card and I have spent far too long this evening trying to extract the good ones from my camera's internal memory.
If any of you are digital camera savvy, I know you are gonna wanna see these, so throw a suggestion my way before I go cro-magnon and start bashing my camera with a pry bar!

Mean girls.

I did not have female friends. Not in my teens or early 20's.
I wanted so badly to have female friends, but girls just did not like me.

I don't think it would be misleading to tell you that every boy I knew had a crush on me at some point or another, If Shannon hadn't told me, I might have never known...
They were all my friends, the boys who liked me. Like brothers.
The girls, well they hated me - only I never saw it coming until the betrayal.
I repeatedly regretted confiding in girls. I learned not to trust them.
Over and over again, I found this to be my achilles' heel.
My ever-growing desire for a 'girl' friend - and their ever-thriving jealousy toward me.
By high school, it was a full-fledged assault from them. They would leave nasty notes on my desk. Point out whatever flaw they could find in large groups. (usually my ghetto booty or my cankles) They openly despised me.
They taught me to isolate myself. And not to trust.
I was a Christian. I was a lot of great things. But I had no real friends. Looking back, perhaps a few...
Long story short, I have told this to a few of my closest friends, and my sister witnessed it;
but words cannot communicate what this did to me where relationships with women are concerned.
I feared friendships. I dreaded talking to girls. I hated the emotional tease that meeting each new prospective female meant to me.

Then the craziest thing happened:
Someone pursued a friendship with me.
Nothing too invasive. Just a steady, seemingly sincere strand of conversation.
She was a girl. And she liked me - I thought.
That relationship has blossomed.

After about a year, another. Actually interested in being my friend.
I just kept wondering when it would go sour.
(When they would realize that I was a freak-show and decide not to like me)
I confided in them and they did NOT use my short-comings against me...
Not possible, I thought. (Only my mom and sister can be true.)

They had to work at proving themselves to me.
And they have. Over and over.
At the risk of seeming dramatic, (who me?) these 2 women together helped me through a lifetime of hurt in a few short months.

They are jewels. They, along with others, have salvaged womankind in my mind. Girls are not all bad. There are some real gems.
I have a new mission. Partly because of what healing has taken place inside me, through my friends.

I want to make people feel like they matter. Like they have something to contribute.
I want to be a friend to the friendless. I want to look past my own discomfort (because it is still unnatural for me) and trust in the goodness of a person. I want to be a part of a healing ministry. I want to increase confidence in those around me. Women have so much to offer one another. I have denied myself those things out of fear.
I feel it is time to move past the hurt and be a friend, not because I think everyone will like me, it is entirely possible that my personality will be 'too much' for some to take.

I can be confident knowing that God made me, bumps and all. And that simple fact, all by itself, makes me valuable.

That, in part, is why I have joined this community of bloggers. Not so I can feel validated by each comment, but so I can be raw and real and accountable.

I need to be a friend because someone needs a friend.
I intend to be her friend.

My most heartfelt thanks to you La and pb&j for keeping after me - long after I had shown you all the ugly inside me. I love you!

My man.

My husband, without being tazored and unbeknownst to me, went to the grocery store and purchased a gallon of milk.
Because HE NOTICED WE NEEDED SOME...
This ushered in a whole new, foreign set of emotions in me.