Mean girls.

I did not have female friends. Not in my teens or early 20's.
I wanted so badly to have female friends, but girls just did not like me.

I don't think it would be misleading to tell you that every boy I knew had a crush on me at some point or another, If Shannon hadn't told me, I might have never known...
They were all my friends, the boys who liked me. Like brothers.
The girls, well they hated me - only I never saw it coming until the betrayal.
I repeatedly regretted confiding in girls. I learned not to trust them.
Over and over again, I found this to be my achilles' heel.
My ever-growing desire for a 'girl' friend - and their ever-thriving jealousy toward me.
By high school, it was a full-fledged assault from them. They would leave nasty notes on my desk. Point out whatever flaw they could find in large groups. (usually my ghetto booty or my cankles) They openly despised me.
They taught me to isolate myself. And not to trust.
I was a Christian. I was a lot of great things. But I had no real friends. Looking back, perhaps a few...
Long story short, I have told this to a few of my closest friends, and my sister witnessed it;
but words cannot communicate what this did to me where relationships with women are concerned.
I feared friendships. I dreaded talking to girls. I hated the emotional tease that meeting each new prospective female meant to me.

Then the craziest thing happened:
Someone pursued a friendship with me.
Nothing too invasive. Just a steady, seemingly sincere strand of conversation.
She was a girl. And she liked me - I thought.
That relationship has blossomed.

After about a year, another. Actually interested in being my friend.
I just kept wondering when it would go sour.
(When they would realize that I was a freak-show and decide not to like me)
I confided in them and they did NOT use my short-comings against me...
Not possible, I thought. (Only my mom and sister can be true.)

They had to work at proving themselves to me.
And they have. Over and over.
At the risk of seeming dramatic, (who me?) these 2 women together helped me through a lifetime of hurt in a few short months.

They are jewels. They, along with others, have salvaged womankind in my mind. Girls are not all bad. There are some real gems.
I have a new mission. Partly because of what healing has taken place inside me, through my friends.

I want to make people feel like they matter. Like they have something to contribute.
I want to be a friend to the friendless. I want to look past my own discomfort (because it is still unnatural for me) and trust in the goodness of a person. I want to be a part of a healing ministry. I want to increase confidence in those around me. Women have so much to offer one another. I have denied myself those things out of fear.
I feel it is time to move past the hurt and be a friend, not because I think everyone will like me, it is entirely possible that my personality will be 'too much' for some to take.

I can be confident knowing that God made me, bumps and all. And that simple fact, all by itself, makes me valuable.

That, in part, is why I have joined this community of bloggers. Not so I can feel validated by each comment, but so I can be raw and real and accountable.

I need to be a friend because someone needs a friend.
I intend to be her friend.

My most heartfelt thanks to you La and pb&j for keeping after me - long after I had shown you all the ugly inside me. I love you!

My man.

My husband, without being tazored and unbeknownst to me, went to the grocery store and purchased a gallon of milk.
Because HE NOTICED WE NEEDED SOME...
This ushered in a whole new, foreign set of emotions in me.

Big girl bed.

A. spent her first night in her very own big girl bed last night.
That sentence all by itself makes me wanna cry.

Problem? Indeed.

Here are some things I know for sure:

Kids = lifetime of happiness

Kids = filthy floors

Thus, my quandary:

filthy floors = lifetime of happiness???

Say it ain't so....

my vacuum cleaner is broken. for the first two weeks, i rolled around in this pretty little tidbit of knowledge like a pig in squalor. loved not having to vacuum. and if anyone should ask me why my floors rivaled a dump yard, simple: my vacuum cleaner is broken.

fast forward two weeks: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
WHY? Why is it broken? I hate, no loathe dirty floors.
I'll probably end up a missionary to a country with dirt floors...
Woe is me!

Naturally.

Someone please tell me why my first instinct with my son when he's aggressive is to spank him...
I know it sounds terrible.
He hits, so you hit him to teach him a lesson.
Perfect logic.
I think I need a time-out...

Everything comes from Wal-Mart.

Last week, A. started obsessing over Wal-Mart.
She would point at something, anything and ask "Did that come from Wal-Mart?"
in the cutest little voice you can imagine.
She has asked about food items, doors, drapery tiebacks, toys, restaurants, dolphins, anatomical parts....
I keep wondering what must be going on in that mind of hers.
Does she think we got HER at Wal-Mart?
Everything does come from Wal-Mart, you know...

Scolding.

I promised the girls at the pool yesterday that I was gonna give a good scolding to any of you that may be avid bloggers.
I went out of town away from my computer for 5 days!
I had budgeted about 2 hours to check blogs - you know catch up with the "in" crowd when I got back. Nothin doin... In a little less than 20 minutes, I had read every post AND comment.
You guys act like you've got something better to do than blog.
I am pretty bummed out about it.
So there it is: your scolding.

Disclaimer: This post goes down much better with a few grains of salt...

Vacation.

Who can say enough about the fun we had on vacation?
The best part is - it's not even over yet!!
I get to spend the rest of this week and the weekend and then a day or two with my sweetie!
These photos only scratch the surface!
We had so much fun!

We're home!

Sorry to be a tease, but this is all I can do for now...
Safe and sound.
Lots of good memories.
LOTS of rain. :(
More to come later!!

TTFN.........................

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

No really. There are a number of things I will most definitely miss....
Just to mention a few, fellow blog addicts, my own bed, doing laundry (no - that's just LA :)
I ran into one of you in wal-mart (you know who you are)
she said, "You've got a laptop, right?"
I seriously considered taking it along......
Alas, it would not really help in the end goal, which is to "get away"
But the real problem is, I really would like to take you gals along, and my parents, and my bed...
And my laundry maid (gotcha M)
SO here's a hug and here's to hoping there's not too much rain while we're there....
Maybe we'll catch you, kdp, I'll keep my eyes open!
TTFN!

Contemplations.

As I sifted through the lumps in my swimsuit yesterday, I thought about my pre-baby body.

In the end, I realized I loved my body then far less than I do now.
Not because of the way it looked back then compared to 2 'gifts' later, but because of all the things my *new and improved* body represent.

I am gradually becoming the person I was created to be.

I am beginning to FEEL acceptable in even the most awkward situation
(i.e. swimsuit modeling.)
Now I know what I look like, and I still long for my cover up to act as a diffuser...
But the thing is, if I had to trade what is happening inside me right now to get the old body back, it would never be a fair trade.

The person I was before I had kids, got married, returned to God - She was not beautiful, not really.

Suffice it to say, I finally like who I am becoming.
A secure, God-lovin' lady - lumps and all!

Love.

I will CHOOSE to love.

That is all.

What tomorrow brings.

All this talk about tomorrow, so little time...
It has crept up on me. Our very first OFFICIAL family vacation. You know, the one where you have to pay for a hotel? Well, we're leaving bright and early Saturday morning. OY!
Where has the time gone? I feel like if I stayed up all night - which is just ludicrous - I still couldn't get it all done...
(And I don't even have any crusty jerseys to wash! I would probably just keel over if that happened...)
It has come not one minute too soon for my husband. He has really been through it lately at work. I just wish I could click my heels together and *presto* land him the perfect job that made him happy. How much pressure our good men are under these days!
We have been planning for this vacation for well over a year - and here it is - and I am about to self-destruct!!! NO, not really - but seriously, what if we need Kaopectate? Or umbrellas, sheesh! There's so much to think about...
If you're out there, and not already annoyed by my flailing about in this blog, please pray that things go smoothly for us on our VERY FIRST VACATION! Lord knows the kids don't need to remember it as, 'That time Mommy forgot to bring her panties and Daddy just drove around being lost the whole time..."
I would appreciate it - and I vow to return with many pictures of moments shared as a family.
Just the thought makes me feel all warm and squishy inside...

Instrument.

It is no coincidence that the same letters it takes to spell the
word LISTEN can be rearranged to form the word SILENT.

I am the type of person that finds it hard to be SILENT at all.

Given the connection between silence and listening, one could easily deduct that I need to work on the listening part by being silent every now and again. Sounds simple in theory - but in practice...

I spent the day with a unique and beautiful individual who was used as God's instrument in my life. I had been invited to go spend the day with her 4 days ago, but 4 days ago would never have been as important as today.

God knew.

She has availed herself to God. Her words were beyond perfect. So perfect, it seemed that words as they spilled from her mouth were echoes of the breath of God in my heart.

The things we already know, but are fearful to accept can be the hardest to 'hear' from Him.

Sometimes He uses His people as instruments. Softly playing His tune.

kdp, today you were that gentle harp. Your words were life to my soul. Thank you for listening. Thank you for also gently saying what needed to be said in a way that fit so perfectly. Simple yet profound.

Snafoo.

My little Houdini got herself in a pickle today! She has this habit of sitting in whatever tight space may be accessible to her, such as buckets, boxes, suitcases, shelves, etc.
Today it was an old-tyme milk can!
I saw her squat down into it and didn't think anything of it. I even ran to grab my camera because it was so cute.
I took several pictures ~ then she tried to get back out of that can. It was NOT HAPPENING!!!
I schlepped her around the house in that milk can ~ tugging and pulling. I turned it over and grabbed up under her armpits and heaved. Nothing. She was getting real stressed out about it by now...
I decided to carry her to the kitchen and grease her down with vegetable oil.
Still nothing. She was seriously LODGED in that Milk can!!
I called my hunny at work for advice.
"What would you do in this situation?"
Greased her up a little more...
I'd about decided that we were gonna have to call 9-1-1 and cut that thing off her, when I gave it one last hurrah and POP! Out she came.
What a relief it was too!
The whole snafoo lasted about 10-15 minutes, but I am sure we'll be talking about it for some time!!

Naked. Food.

Yes. Most of my posts include pictures of naked kids, (well, nearly naked) and food.

Cherries Jubilee.

You should have seen it in real life. This picture cannot do it justice. Never have I seen a cherry fest like this one...

They enjoyed those cherries all the way down to their toes!

Breakfast fun.

These are what we call "Googly-eyed eggs" around here!

(Anything to make a healthy breakfast look good)

Tournament of Screams.

Why is it that kids can SENSE a headache? I, for one, am convinced of it.
I have spent the evening trying to scurry off into my bedroom, the garage, even my closet - just. to. get. away. from. the. NOISE!
Now I am not generally a sound-sensitive person. To the contrary, I am actually quite loud myself.
This tournament of screams is their 'new trick' and they really get into it. So into it, it would seem, that they cannot hear my REPEATED begging and pleading with them to stop.
Kids.
I guess this is round one of my Tournament of WHINES...

Snacktime.

It is snacktime at casa ole' and much to my undoing, my son kept asking for "celery in a hot dog bun." He LOVES celery - but the hot dog bun thing is a first.

Ask me what he's having for snack today...
That's right.
CELERY... in a hot dog bun.

Inadequate.

(If this blog sounds angry, maybe it's because I AM a little angry. Read on.)

She feels inadequate. Not good enough to overcome the obstacles of her daily routine. Much less the really big events. She's not thin enough, pretty enough, influential enough, energetic enough. She's just plain not 'enough'. It pervades her every thought as she mosies on throughout her day, never reaching her full potential.

She's a wife. She's a daughter. She's a friend. Mother. Teacher. You have known her. You might BE her.

I have encountered several of her in conversation this week. I have seen her reflection in my own mirror.

Child of God. Created in His own image. How can you look into the face of the one He molded and call her 'Inadequate?'

God, Himself, saw what He made and called it good. (Genesis 1:31)

You have been caught believing a lie. These lies come at us in the least menacing of ways, at first. After time, though, they rip into the very core of who we are.

Not good enough? That's what the devil would love for you to believe. It keeps us all from accessing and attaining our God-given talents and purpose.

In our frailties and short-comings, His greatness is made known.
Do you get it? Even our mistakes testify to the love of He who made us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ DIED for us. (Romans 5:8)

So rise up, 'Beautiful one!' Stop looking into the face of that one God created and calling her 'not good enough...'

Your beauty is not of this world, nor is it for this world.
Stop believing the lie that has hindered you.
You are not inadequate. You are anything but inadequate.
You are a daughter of God, called to something greater than what is already in you.
Believe it. Know it. Live it.
There you will find significance.

Impact.

Each and every day of our lives is filled with moments that people observe and learn things about us.

I want to be that person they can't forget. Not
because of my great shoes, but because of my great acceptance, honesty, and genuinity. God has given me so many opportunities which I have generally squandered. I now have the opportunity of a lifetime laid at my feet. This opportunity could impact generations. Totally changing the destinies of my most beloved.

The only catch: every minute of my life will be put under a microscope. My character and substance will be tested at every turn. By my actions, I must reveal God's unfailing love in an undeniable, applicable, real way.

For the last few years, I have just shrugged it off and thought it impossible to be the kind of person it would take. It has only been very recently that I have realized that there is too much at stake to throw in the towel.

Here it is: the test of my lifetime. Are you with me?

Blessings.

Throughout the course of a monumentally fun day, I would think about how we have been blessed to have a certain fun toy or a really useful gadget, there was always a common denominator - my family.
God has always been our source, but my family has been more of a blessing than any I have known! Almost every good thing that is in our home can be linked to one of them.
Whether it be an item or a memory - I am so grateful to have the blessing of family.

A Daddy who has always held me up and been a spiritual leader for his home. Such strength comes from that man. I remember when I was a little girl, he would let me dance on his feet. He would lift his feet up from underneath mine and hold me up. If I had to paint a picture of what my Daddy has been to me, it would be that very thing. He has been the foundation for our family. A rock. He has been the very ground on which I placed my own two feet, over and over again, so that I could dance.

I am blessed with a Momma who daily holds my home up to my Heavenly Father in prayer. I am certain of this. She has been an example of commitment and purity. We have often teased her for her naivety, calling her gullible. But she's not - her level of faith renders me speechless at times. I have modeled myself after her, knowing that she is as close as any on this earth to the Proverbs 31 woman.

A sister who has looked after me her whole life and put me before herself so many times. I look at her inner fortitude, knowing what she has been through, and I, again, am left without words to describe my gratitude for her. She has filled the roles of more than sister and friend in my life. She has shown me love that holds nothing back.

I have been blessed with a brother who truly loves my children as if they were his own. He could have gone on living his own life and not taken such consistent and careful notice of what is going on in mine. Instead, he stands in the minds of my kids, "A hero." They love him so. He loves us so.

Who on earth has a family this giving? This wonderful?
Such blessings cannot be ignored...
It is undeniable that God Himself put us together.
Thank you God for Your careful attention to the tiniest detail. You have knit us together with love. We are so blessed!

Buzz Cut.

There was a reason I stopped cutting my son's hair. Today, I was reminded of it.
I am not good at cutting hair. I used to think I was alright - but the events of recent past have me convinced otherwise.
My son kept asking for that set of clippers at Wal-Mart so I got them for him. it seemed like the financially savvy thing to do.
Poor baby.
He's still very handsome to his momma!

A Gaggle of Girlfriends.

Today was so much fun! Regardless of the weather, a few sprinkles here and there - almost like God himself was shooting waterguns at us!
It was refreshing to be face-to-face with real people - real ADULT people.
The kids were just beside themselves all morning waiting on their friends to make it over. A total of 7 little ones under 5 years old - not including little Ramirez on the way...
Thanks to all of you who came - it was truly a breath of fresh air!
~M. - I'll start with you because you got here first - You brighten up every conversation we have! I hope you have a truly awesome time on your date tonight - it was so exciting to help you 'get ready' (almost like getting ready for prom - only not at all) hahaha! You were so excited about it and your enthusiasm for life is infectious!
~ C. - I continue to be intrigued by you! You are the perfect combination of feminine reserve and all-out fun! I love hanging out with you and little Daniel Cook!
~ E. - Why in the world have we never gotten closer? I was so glad you stayed awhile and the kids and I truly enjoyed your company! It was like magic too - right after you gals left, the kids were down for the count! Now there's a real magic trick!

What a dear group of friends!
As I was thinking back over the day, I smiled.
What more can a momma ask for?

A day in the sun.

If it sounds like fun to you,(and you live close enough to make it) I have decided to make this thing happen. Whoever wants to come over to my house tomorrow afternoon (Friday) around 2PM. I'll set out the kiddie pool and make some lemonade. You're invited! It's either gonna be a great, big play date or a cozy afternoon with my kiddos! Even if you don't have kids, if you have a mouth and something good to say, you're invited too! This is an "everybody" playdate! So come on over...

Because of privacy issues, I won't post my address or phone number online - I would suspect that there are enough people who could get that information for you - i.e. the church office.

Yes, I do know.

I am aware that trying to follow my thoughts is like chasing a wild goose. That's just part of the deal. I write down my thoughts here on this blog, and if you choose to read it, you get to be confused. This is my filter. My entertainment. My shoulder to cry on. The only place where I (and whoever else happens to be reading this) get to know who I really am. Chaos it is. Welcome to my mind.

Trim.

The word for the day is trim.
I need a trim.
I spent the better part of my day feeling like things were fat. Me. My life. You name it.
I feel like there is so much responsibility sitting there for the taking - if it sits unclaimed for too long, it must have my name on it.

~This morning, I woke up and spent a good while at the hospital because my brother was undergoing abdominal surgery. It was Chris' day off - so the kids stayed with him.
~Yesterday, I scalped the lawn. In theory, I thought, if I mow it really short, I won't have to mow it again as soon. (Try finding time to mow the lawn with 2 toddlers around...) In REALITY, the lawn is now scorched, bald, and looks terrible. But it's not overgrown! :) Trimmed that one a little too close. OOPS!
~Today, I trimmed the hedges. I must say that I have a unique talent for trimming hedges. It's an art-form. It's also a stress-reliever.
After spending so long outside doing yard work that I felt like I would literally pass out, I came inside.
I walked into an utter nightmare. The biggest mess. Not in just one room - but E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E!!!
A. looked around and said, 'Momma, your house is messy, clean it up!'
I couldn't disagree.

I cooked dinner, got the kids started on it; and while my family ate, I vacuumed.
As I vacuumed, the kids complained about the meal I cooked and refused to eat it.
These things separately would normally not phase me - but I got to feeling guilty about vacuuming instead of eating with my family, then I just got plain mad that these little scoundrels would actually throw their peas on my freshly vacuumed floor... AFTER I slaved over a hot stove, you see where this is going...

So I have decided that there's too much to do on my "To do" list and it needs a trim.
It's time for me to get to playing.
Anybody who doesn't mind having a playdate at a not-so-perfectly-clean house with a terribly butchered lawn give me a call - because the ONE thing in my life that doesn't need a trim is my social life!

The Whirlwind.

We just got back into town from a trip to see my sister. It was so much fun peeking into her new life! Until now, it has pretty much been a mystery to me. As all things go with small children, we had our share of little catastrophes. Overall though, it was a great trip.

My sister has really blossomed there, and is being used for ministry (which is absolutely her cup of tea). She is so happy! I have not seen her this happy or fulfilled in her adult life - it is beautiful!

Her song at church on Sunday was nothing shy of magnificent! As a trained vocalist, little things always stick out to me when I listen to singers - not to say that is what I listen for - just you know, when you know something, it's hard to pretend you don't - anyway, she was flawless! But there was more to it than that, from a technical standpoint it was great, but from the "God is here this very minute" standpoint, it was tender and real and wonderful!

What a gift for God to find His people and to use them! To place them exactly where He wants them for their ultimate purpose.

I have prayed for this in my own life. To be in the exact and perfect will of God for my life. I don't think I have hit the center of the target yet.
Being a mother is the closest I have come in adulthood to being in God's Place for me. I have loved the mantle of responsibilty He has given me and most days, I really rise up out of myself and I do it absolutely.
But lately, there is something missing. I have felt this undeniable need to fulfill a ministry hole. I don't know. I just know that whenever it happens, I'll know. It will have to be something very tailored for my life the way that it is - so that it doesn't interfere with the "greater work" that is going on while we're not watching. But there is something I have that I can contribute to God's Kingdom, otherwise I would not be burdened so.

Since before time began
no one has ever imagined,
No ear heard, no eye seen, a God like you
who works for those who wait for him.
You meet those who happily do what is right,
who keep a good memory of the way you work.
Isaiah 64:4

Happy, Happy 4th!

We had the best time at the church Freedom Picnic!
The kids got their fill of kiddie pool, hot dogs, and little friends - and I got to tear it up on the volleyball court...
It's entirely possible that to onlookers - I looked like I got tore up on the volleyball court - it IS all about perspective, you know...
I also enjoyed seeing everybody. I realized that it's not everyday that you find a church where there is a spirit of inclusion. Everyone is accepted, flaws and all. Just like Jesus did. I am so grateful to be a part of a church that is so accepting.
The church I was raised in would have turned their backs on me when I turned up pregnant and unmarried, but this church welcomed me with ABSOLUTELY no judgement. I had never even been to a service there before that. Five years later, I call it my home.
Thank you! Thank you! Thanks to your unwillingness to let me slip through the cracks - I am back in love with my Jesus and having the time of my life!
It could have gone so differently - but you guys stepped up and loved me.
I don't think I have ever been a part of a church like this one before - I am very grateful for you all!
At the onset, I didn't think this was going to be a mushy blog - but mushy can be good too...

Summer Fun. Love, love those babies.

End of tunnel.

There is - I repeat, IS light at the end of this tunnel.
I have been knee deep in vomit and the "runs" (no explanation necessary) for the last 5 days. On Thursday, I thought we were home-free, but much to my dismay - the bug was still lurking in little tummies...
I am sorry, beautiful town of SA, for exposing you to our contagions.
I cannot tell you how unfortunate it felt Saturday night when J. came into my bedroom during the wee hours and told me he had just 'spit up' everywhere.
Everywhere would have been the perfect adjective, too.
I instantly regretted the choice to reward him with Twizzlers earlier that evening...

Alas, I feel that for sure this time we have kicked it.
Please Lord, let us have finally 'kicked it.'
OY!