Mean girls.

I did not have female friends. Not in my teens or early 20's.
I wanted so badly to have female friends, but girls just did not like me.

I don't think it would be misleading to tell you that every boy I knew had a crush on me at some point or another, If Shannon hadn't told me, I might have never known...
They were all my friends, the boys who liked me. Like brothers.
The girls, well they hated me - only I never saw it coming until the betrayal.
I repeatedly regretted confiding in girls. I learned not to trust them.
Over and over again, I found this to be my achilles' heel.
My ever-growing desire for a 'girl' friend - and their ever-thriving jealousy toward me.
By high school, it was a full-fledged assault from them. They would leave nasty notes on my desk. Point out whatever flaw they could find in large groups. (usually my ghetto booty or my cankles) They openly despised me.
They taught me to isolate myself. And not to trust.
I was a Christian. I was a lot of great things. But I had no real friends. Looking back, perhaps a few...
Long story short, I have told this to a few of my closest friends, and my sister witnessed it;
but words cannot communicate what this did to me where relationships with women are concerned.
I feared friendships. I dreaded talking to girls. I hated the emotional tease that meeting each new prospective female meant to me.

Then the craziest thing happened:
Someone pursued a friendship with me.
Nothing too invasive. Just a steady, seemingly sincere strand of conversation.
She was a girl. And she liked me - I thought.
That relationship has blossomed.

After about a year, another. Actually interested in being my friend.
I just kept wondering when it would go sour.
(When they would realize that I was a freak-show and decide not to like me)
I confided in them and they did NOT use my short-comings against me...
Not possible, I thought. (Only my mom and sister can be true.)

They had to work at proving themselves to me.
And they have. Over and over.
At the risk of seeming dramatic, (who me?) these 2 women together helped me through a lifetime of hurt in a few short months.

They are jewels. They, along with others, have salvaged womankind in my mind. Girls are not all bad. There are some real gems.
I have a new mission. Partly because of what healing has taken place inside me, through my friends.

I want to make people feel like they matter. Like they have something to contribute.
I want to be a friend to the friendless. I want to look past my own discomfort (because it is still unnatural for me) and trust in the goodness of a person. I want to be a part of a healing ministry. I want to increase confidence in those around me. Women have so much to offer one another. I have denied myself those things out of fear.
I feel it is time to move past the hurt and be a friend, not because I think everyone will like me, it is entirely possible that my personality will be 'too much' for some to take.

I can be confident knowing that God made me, bumps and all. And that simple fact, all by itself, makes me valuable.

That, in part, is why I have joined this community of bloggers. Not so I can feel validated by each comment, but so I can be raw and real and accountable.

I need to be a friend because someone needs a friend.
I intend to be her friend.

My most heartfelt thanks to you La and pb&j for keeping after me - long after I had shown you all the ugly inside me. I love you!