ExCet.

I have been torn about whether or not to report my 'gut feeling' about the exam.
What if I go all 'arrogant' and say I aced it and find out later that I really didn't?
I don't want to pop off and say I passed - only to find out that there's perhaps no one who has ever scored quite so low...

I did feel good about it though.

So for the next couple of weeks, ignorance will continue to rule my thoughts about the exam.
I will be blissfully hopeful.
But if at any point during the next few weeks you catch me playing my Air Guitar or doin' the Roger Rabbit - you will know that I have received good news.

Next week, I will take the second portion of my cert. exam.

I don't know why I have always been the kid who sat up all night before the first day of school.
Literally making myself sick over what would happen the next day. Counting pencils. Rustling through notebooks. Academia defined me. I was the third child. I needed to have 'my thing.' I guess school was my thing. Now that I have been out of school for so long, I am not accustomed to the whole, Pass/Fail thing. It makes me anxious.

It would seem like everything that comes up that is somehow outside of my regular pattern of life makes me crazy for a little while. Heartburn, acne, insomnia, nightmares, heart palpitations, nail biting - I have an absolute adverse physical reaction to stress.
Anxiety. To some people it's just a word. It would seem to me, it's a self-made prison.

Peace. An elixir from heaven. Just can't say enough about it!
Need some Anxiety Elixir to cool my jets!

The Real Question.

So when a person gets bad about updating their blog:
Is it because there is nothing to say, or because there is too much to say?

I still cannot manage to answer that question.

A hundred times a day I think to myself, "I should put that on my blog."
And I truly intend to.

Then after 40 kagillion things have happened and I finally get the kids to bed, I sit down at the laptop, get all 'geared up,' and I can think of nothing. NOTHING.

My brain is completely numb. All personality has been drained from me. All I can think of is Nothing.

So I am sorry for the absolute boredom that has been My Blog lately.
I will try to think of something worthwhile to say.
Until then, you must endure what is left of me at the end of the day.
You guessed it. Nada.

A beautiful release.

Did you ever just look at someone you love and a rush of emotions overcomes you? I mean takes you over completely without even so much as asking permission?

I was zooming through the day, taking care of all that necessary but never-ending 'mom' stuff, and I peeked in on the most beautiful thing.
I wasn't looking for something beautiful - or a reason to gasp in awe-filled wonder.
I wasn't in the most (ahem) grateful mood.
I admittedly haven't been floating around in a cloud of spiritual peace and worship.

But I turned the corner, and what I saw, or rather, what nailed me between the eyes as I stared, breathless, at this perfection, was an infusion of something more tangible than emotion.

I was so overcome with the apparent bestowal of gifts from God in my life. Blessings were suddenly all around me.
I wept. Huge, effortless tears.
I knelt to the floor and held two of my blessings. Each one paused for a moment and let me cradle their growing bodies in my lap as I uttered a prayer of life-giving praise to God for them and the privilege of raising them.
Their sweet, innocent eyes looked my way as I tenderly pushed back their hair to kiss them. Such intense, yet pure love for them poured out.
God has been so good to me.
Each breath I'm given is worthy of my highest praise, but to add to the growing abundance He has poured into my lap, two truly amazing children with which I am charged to teach, and love, and raise to adore Him.

Needless to say, my otherwise mundane, effort-filled, never-ending day took on a whole different feel after that one pristine moment of thankfulness and praise to God.

*sigh* Yes, those moments that take our breath away are what it's all about.

who can title this post?

Chris's first day back to work after vacation was today. 6am-9pm. A poignant reminder of our situation. I will leave it at that.

Tonight, I have been studying and studying for this ExCet that will occur on Wednesday.
I have made lesson plans for whoever takes my classes.
I have made arrangements for my kids' care and bought foods to accommodate their meal needs while I travel to take the test.

I have taken 3 practice tests.
I have failed two of the 3 practice tests.
I am having nightmares about being stupid and unfit to teach and all of the related thoughts that pop into your mind when, for some reason, you fail a multiple choice practice test 2 out of 3 times...
Lord, please don't let this be a wasted day off and $120 completely for naught.

I will admit that I have not done all the studying I should have done - but who could? Between working, laundry, holidays, cooking meals, paying bills, child rearing, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, entertaining house guests, etc. I have been completely and totally swamped.

I have studied some though. And 'some' has always been enough in my educational past...
We'll see.

La had baby Joshua.
crys is going to have Casen on Wed.

I think I might feel like I have given birth to a 6-year old after I get these tests over with. That's how long I have put them off - 6 years!!

I have learned a few things about myself over this whole saga:

1. Stress makes me mean.
2. A dirty/cluttered house makes me stressed.
3. I medicate my stress-induced meanness by cultivating a costly ebay addiction with a particular interest in pretty little girl clothes and hairbows...
4. I will conjure up almost any reason I can think of to procrastinate studying. I will: try out different colors of paint in my bedroom, organize sock drawers, scrub grout lines with a toothbrush, be unusually taken with construction paper and glitter glue for long periods of time, read a stack of 15 books to my kids at bedtime, postpone bedtime for upwards of 30 minutes just because (yeah, I know - craaazy).

Literally anything that can keep my mind off this albatross is whatever I'll focus on. This ridiculousness needs to be over.

Peace. The peace only God gives. That's what I need. And a passing score. And a job. And...

Peace.

Julio's for Alycia

Sure. I'd be glad to send some to you!
I'll get your email from shan.
I'll try to get them in the mail tomorrow.
How many bags?
Big bags or small bags?
Do you want the sauce too?
And would that be mild or hot?

Name calling.

So it appears that little A. has begun the name-calling portion of her childhood.
Normally, I would be one to 'nip it in the bud'-
But it was way too funny to stop her, I HAD to hear what she would think of next.

Her daddy was taking a mid-morning snooze and she wanted him to wake up.
She nudged him and said, "Wake up, you black jelly bean."
(no response)
"Wake up, pickleface!"
(still no response)
"Daddy, you're a maniac!"

How funny is that?!?!?!

heheheh...

Side-splitting or toe-splitting?

Chris described it as "Scooby Doo falling down a flight of stairs."

I described it as intensely hilarious and painful at the same time.
I got all excited tonight after the kids went to bed. I was gonna watch tv while I folded laundry!!
I know, it sounds riveting. But I was looking forward to a relaxing evening, which we have not had in a while.

I turned the corner headed toward my laundry room in my new Valentine's socks. They are evidently mighty slippery.
At this point, it gets hazy but something must have gone awry.

I was flying. Toppling, really.
I think my wrist hit first. It would be hard to tell really. It all happened so quickly.
It was kinda like wrist, knee, toes jammed into corner, other knee, side into corner, and lastly my head. But it sounded more like: Whoa-Oooo-Eeee-owww-uuuugh.
That was followed by silence.
I heard Chris scurrying over to rescue me.
I started reliving the moment in my mind and imagining what THAT must've looked like.
I laughed and laughed.
Then pain surged through my body.
I rolled over onto my back in the fetal position and just clutched onto my sanity.
OH! I hurt everywhere!

Why was I in such a hurry to fold laundry? OOHHHHhhhhh!

Chris asked if I was laughing or crying. I think it was a two-fer.
He checked my head, side, wrist, knees, and finally my toes.
My foot was already swollen-ish.
I swear its just my chubby feet, but he's pretty sure I might've broken it.
Boy doggie it hurts!
My toe is for certain a teensy bit misshapen and I can't stand the feeling of even a sock touching it.
Odds are it is at least jammed. If not broken...
No insurance. Did I need to remind you of that?

But in the end, I had load after load of laundry brought to me valet style tonight. It can't be all bad, right?
Not to mention, I have a really cute nurse...

Best short-long weekend ever.

• MIL visit was too, too wonderful for words. They left this afternoon. Never, ever in my wildest imagination would I have ever predicted a 3-day/2-night stay. It's usually a very short afternoon visit biannually. But it was truly enjoyable and awesome!
• Squishy baby love took it over the top. My niece is so extremely, words-can't-describe beautiful.
• The kids are in bed. WOO-HOO!!! (Was that out loud?)
• My new bedding arrived today and it is awesome-er than the internet promised it would be!!
• I started painting my bedroom today. Yes, Meems, poopy brown smear is gone!
• Tomorrow starts a new week of work. (wah-wah...)
• I have enough 'go' left in me to paint one more wall in my room tonight.
• Cowboys:OUT /Packers:OUT Sunday afternoons are wide open again.
• Crys - thanks for tonight. It was really thoughtful! I love being 'neighbors' with you!
• I am about to drop off the face of the earth for a week or so. ExCet is going to be my new name. Where's ExCet? Oh, she's... you know... studying....

MIL in town.

It's all in the title Ladies and Gentlemen.
This is our first visit since last May from the in-laws.
We are having a great visit so far.
My niece is beautiful beyond my wildest dreams.
Seriously.
I would have to say, that if I am being honest, she's way prettier than my babies were at the same age.
But at their current ages, my kids are hands down the most extravagantly beautiful kids around.

La - I did get your message but things have been so busy with the visit.
We have done restaurants, shopping, Christmas, etc. WHEW! It's been a whirlwind!
I promise I'll call you as soon as our company has gone home.

Letting Americans Keep more of their money.

I am not an overly political person, but I just read an article in which these words stood out to me: "Letting Americans keep more of their money should increase spending and revive the economy." (emphasis added)

Ya think?

I just got our W-2 for Chris's job last night. More than 12% of every dollar he made was reserved for Federal taxes. That's not including the Social security and other stuff. So let me guess, in addition to the 8.25% sales tax we pay on every dollar, and on top of the 'Lord only knows how much' we pay for every drop of petroleum product we use, someone in Washington thinks that "letting Americans keep more of what they make" is going to help us bolster the unstable economy.

Call me crazy. But if we all do, in fact, spend the money we earned by way of our newer, bigger tax returns, like they are hoping we will, they will get a good percentage of it back anyway in the form of some kind of tax.

In my world, this practice is commonly referred to as "regifting."

If that isn't a dog chasing its own tail, I don't know what is...

If you are, for some reason, still soaking in my uneducated rantings, Thank You!
My soap boxes are important to me. LOL!

P.S. Upon reflection, I wanted to add that although government in general tends to ruffle my feathers from time to time, I am strangely grateful and outraged at the same time. We sure could use the larger return!

Domestic goddess.

So I've been doing a lot of domestic engineering.
It's working okay.
Take tonight for instance - I made dinner.
I did not need any kind of extinguisher.
That's progress.

Warning: Basketcase ahead...

I have finally done that thing which has been hanging over my head for (Count them) over 5 years.

I have enrolled for my ExCet exams!!!

FAQs:

1. Have you been studying? Not really.


2. How long do you have before you take the exam? Less than 2 weeks.


3. Why have I procrastinated in this area for so long? I am terrified of failing. I can't afford to take it and re-take it. I can't afford not to take it either. I am crippled with irrational fear regarding these tests.

If you have any pointers, I am taking the PPR on Jan.30th and the Music EC-12 on Feb.6th.

Your prayers and advice are not only appreciated; they are needed.

I wish I had something.
I just simply do not.

Here.
Here's something....

I'M SO EXCITED AND I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT...

In the spirit of post titles best appreciated while being sung...

I have finally settled in on new master bedroom bedding.
Now we can begin the painting and hanging of things in our bedroom.
I am very excited!!

From the Inside Out.

I went back and re-read my recent posts.
Stale. Boring. Negative.
Why is that?

Why is it that when so much is going right, really all we can focus on is what isn't?

• My children are loved, provided for, bright, and healthy.
• My husband is gainfully employed and comes home every night. He loves me just because I'm me.
• I work a job that most people are jealous of and that still amazes me each time I cash a paycheck. I get to sing to little ones about Jesus. Are you kidding me? It's awesome!!
• I have a truly beautiful family. I have wonderful friendships with both of my parents, who incidentally are still married and madly in love with each other, and just celebrated 36 years of wedded bliss...
• My brother and sister both call me friend. And Dork. And Kid Rotten... I have valid lifelong relationships with both of my siblings. And those friendships grow stronger and more meaningful with the passage of time.
• I have a few really wonderful friends. And by a few, I mean more than most people accumulate in a lifetime. And they are true.
• I serve a fantastic God, Who blows my mind pretty regularly with His goodness.

It would be difficult to assess all the changes that have occurred in my life over a period of time during one brief encounter at the supermarket.
Add 10 years and 15 pounds, I pretty much look like the same ol' me.

So yeah, somebody from high school can't see the 'me' that God has taken back onto His Potter's Wheel and sculpted and made anew.
Fine.
That does not negate what has made me look so very different on the inside.
In the last year or so, I have experienced a Spiritual Extreme Makeover.
I love the person I am becoming in God.
For the first time in my adult life, I am able to say that my thoughts, for the most part, are likely pleasing to God.
I want to please God. (no_iffer's post spurred my thoughts tonight)

Some days I fall short, but with each passing day, I am more and more mindful of what it means to serve God. To be passionate about Him.

It's what is going on behind closed doors with my sweet, sweet Redeemer that makes the difference.

He has been shaping me. Molding. Purifying.

Trimming the excess. (What? A girl can dream...)

Someday, I will not be recognizable as that same girl.
Today, I am glad that He sees me as enough. Good enough to make Him smile.
Good enough for Him to call 'friend.'

I am so blessed.

ironic.

What time is it?
9:06 am?
Doesn't A. work?

Yes.

I walked into work this morning and what do you suppose came out of my mouth?
"Good morning!"
NO - I only wish...

So go back and look at the title of my last post....

you back yet?

'cyberbarf'

Uh-huh.

I walked through the doors, paused for a moment after telling my kids to be kind to one another, and in a flash - I was spewing all over the place. Repeatedly.

I'll spare you the details of color, consistency, and odor.

What in the world?

I know what you're thinking...
Not possible. Lay those ideas to rest...

Just plain ol' kick in the pants stomach bug mixed with a good amount of irony...

"C'est la vie."

cyberbarf.

if i read this tomorrow and hate what i said, i'll blame it on the medicine i'm taking.

i cannot shake high school.
there are so many things that happened back then that i cannot change.
(you're probably wondering, what? what happened?)

insignificant, petty high school junk happened.
so-and-so dated so-and-so.
so-and-so said this about so-and-so.
i hate so-and-so just because they are.
she's so annoying, i hate her... yada yada yada...

a person needs to be able to graduate and then move away.
if only a few hundred miles...
that's what high school reunions are for.
when you are perhaps the most hated person in your high school, as was the case for me, you should not be subjected to seeing people that hate you all the time.

it wears on you.

part of you hopes that they have grown up and seen high school for what it really was,
then you see the way they still look at you.
ten years later, you have not yet been forgiven for your frailties.

wal-mart isn't safe.
restaurants aren't safe.
no place is safe.

the worst part?
i don't hate anyone.
no one.
i don't even understand why exactly it has happened that so many people dislike me.
it makes me feel like a scab.
so much hate.

one thing i DO hate?

i hate it when people hate me.
i have always tried to make friends, be a friend, etc.
in the end, i have found it to be the case that some people are just hateful.

i guess i just wish i could go to target without being made aware of their hatefulness.
that is all.

Quickie.

I'm still reeling from returning to my part-time job this past Monday.
How in the world will I ever swing a full-time job?

My throat is so sore. Shredded and bleeding. So ouch.

Dinner was inedible. True to form.
I thought it would be wrong to throw my family a curve ball and cook something delicious.
That might rock their world. :)

La is vicious. She reminded me that I will turn 30 next year. In 2009 anyway...

Yes, think hard and long before you go down that road. You never know what evil may befall you once you have struck below the belt, my dear, dear friend.... ;}

I learned how to drive a stick shift today while test-driving a vehicle.
I am sure that was, at once, irresponsible and hilarious.
Ask Shan and Wendy. It had to have "story for my blog" written all over it.

Best thing that has happened all week:
My son read a book with very little prompting last night.
It was an early reader entitled, "Hot, hot, hot!"
He was so ecstatic and I was beyond proud!

%@*#!

There is a new four-letter word in my vocabulary.
It is P-A-R-K.
I always have thought of motherhood and going to the park as being linked in some way.
I have tried to have a successful excursion to the park many times. Trips to the park and I can no longer coexist in the same continuum.
It is my new buzz word.
If you are wondering why I hate the park so much, it would be hard to define unless you have been to the park with my children and myself.

We drive all the way there talking about how we're gonna stay close to each other and when Momma calls you, You had better come. We all agree that this is our game plan. The moment our tiny feet hit the pavement, we switch into "Divide and Conquer" mode.
I try to scoot along behind them, er... him at breakneck speeds dragging little sister along behind me. All the while, tossing out friendly reminders of how we agreed to stay within eye shot of one another.
Within moments, I am panting and sweating and frothing, he is not only not within eye shot, he's not within earshot.

I sprint to catch up.
We leave the park.
Babies are crying.
Momma is livid.
We weep and gnash teeth all the way home.

Our conversation ends as I say, "When you go to the park you play. You go down slides, play on monkey bars, etc. If all you want to do is RUN, I'll get you a treadmill..."

He then asks, "What's a treadmill?" in a tone that suggests it must be the greatest thing on earth...
OY!
I hate the park!

plethora of kid stories.

J. calls the end piece of a loaf of bread "the butt.'
When I try to correct him and tell him its the "heel" - he refuses to comply.
He is convinced that the end of the loaf is the "butt." We don't even say "butt, " we say Po-po, caboose, rump, touschie, etc. I guess I'll have to urge him to at least call it the 'hiney' if he won't back down on what body part its named after...
*********************************************
A. loves to have Tea Parties with her dolls, especially the tiny Disney Princesses with their changeable outfits and shoes. The problem is, their shoes are smaller than most crumbs so they all get lost... And there is no such thing as a Tea Party guest without their 'glath thliperth' (glass slippers.) We may have to improvise once all the shoes get lost, right now we are still accepting Tea Party guests with mismatched shoes.
**********************************************
The other day, J. was asking about marriage and who he will marry. I told him I didn't know who it will be but I know she's gonna be great. He asked if he could marry me. I was completely smitten. He is such a gentleman. I then explained that by the time HE was old enough to marry, he'd probably want to find someone much younger and prettier than me. He said, "Oh, like grandmommy?" Nice...
*********************************************
I have come to realize that A. is ready for junior high, she is incapable of going to the bathroom alone. Not because she can't, but because she wants company. Stinker....
*********************************************
We were at the car wash yesterday and J. started to flip out. He said, "Wait! You forgot the Montana!! The montana, mommy..." I said, " Baby, Daddy's Montero is at work with him."
He said, "NO! That thing you have to take off before you go through the car wash!!"
"OH!" I replied, "The Antenna?"
*********************************************

tight jeans and other uninteresting sagas

Today I broke down and bought a pair of tight jeans/capris.
I want to be able to wear them without looks of disgust from the general public by the time the weather permits capri-wearing...
(You're all wondering why I didn't have any tight jeans in my closet already...)
I do have tight jeans in my closet. They are TIGHT! I needed some that are merely tight to inspire me into what will hopefully end up getting me into the TIGHT ones I have from pre-preggers days.
Yes, it does sound odd for me to talk about pre-preggers days since my youngest is now over 3 years of age - hence the reason for the purchase.

I have been committed to the wearing of nothing but velour sweat suits for my entire 2 week Winter Break. Fabulous idea for comfort and for feeling like you've really had a vacation. Terrible idea for monitoring where you are at with regard to the rest of your closet...
When you couple velour with $50+ in Starbuck's giftcards and holiday 'splurging,' THAT creates a situation of too much room in your pants to realize what level of debauchery we're looking at...

So it's now January. My velour suits served their purpose and my hand will be coming to my mouth less and less over the next few weeks and months.
To the tune of 15-20 pounds less.

I will be wearing 'too tight' pants.
I will be eating rabbit food.
But I promise you, I will NOT be working out.
You have my word on that.

A feast for your eyes.

1. I am sure you are tired of looking at the same post over and over. Assuming that you check my blog even once a day, my resolution is what you've stared at 3 or more times... I feel for ya' - so here's a feast for your eyes!
2. I took all things related to Christmas out of the house today. Kinda sad. Even the kids' reindeer handprints and wreaths. I just smiled when I thought about how different their artwork will look next year. I don't think anything can take away from their tiny handprints from the past though...
3. For the past two days, I have been getting certified to screen hearing and vision on wee little tots. Yesiree, you are reading the blog of a certified hearing and vision screener. (Hmmmm.... that's funny, I thought that would make you feel like you knew a real somebody :) - That does nothing for you? really?)
4. It seems like there was something else of relative importance I wanted to blog about...
5. I got nothin'
6. At least you have something new to look at, while scratching your head and trying to figure out exactly what you can take away from this post...

resolution

i'd rather not celebrate the dropping of the ball
to see it expire, draw its last breath and stall.
i'd more willingly set an attainable goal
that can be reached from most any shoal -
i'd rather resolve not to get too extreme
about the dropping of a ball, the death of a dream.

on the last day of the year that now precedes us
i'd like to celebrate a thing quite joyous
a living dream, fitting for all to desire -
to be pure as gold, when held to the fire.
i'd like for anyone who knows me at all
to be able to say that in things large or small

i held myself to a level much higher
than the previous year, while trudging through mire.
may my husband and my children say,
'she's one who lived her life each day
with a fervor for a loving God,
mindful of Him, each step she trod.'

may this life be, during introspection,
a testament and an honest reflection
of a King Whose tender love now reigns
with no portion of judgment upon the flames
of a raging desire within His chest
to be worshipped in purity and in earnest.

so as i succumb to the newness of days -
may i be ever constant in this praise
never to let myself lose the resolve
or the truth in this testimony dissolve.
may He be exalted, High above all highs
as i hold up the ball, reaching into the skies.

-a.o.

"That was soooo yesterday."

Toward the end of last year it seemed like almost everybody I know was having some difficulty or another.

For some it was:

• Sick kids or bed rest.
• Moving blues or work day blahs.
• Overworked or underpaid.
• Painful contractions or surgery complications.
• Unexpected car repairs or other unplanned expenses.
• Spiritual complacency or the like...

Whatever the ailment or situation,
I have heard the stories of a few but I know that God has heard them all.

In times of newness, such as the New Year, it is worth saying that there is a hope that precludes any remaining despair from moments endured the previous year.

Yes, there is the resetting of the deductible that annoys, but there is something that is a more sure bet than your insurance rates rising and that truth will remain a constant in the world that will ever change.

Lamentations 3:25-26 (The Message)
"God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God."

Those first 5 words are a promise. "God proves to be good."
And those 5 words are a cornerstone that we can stand on each day of 2008.
I, for one, would prefer to cling to Him in times of hardship - but not only during those times.

I want to be diligent in my search for Him during the times when all is coming up daisies, so that when the lights go out, and all around me becomes darkened by the trial, I'll know where to find Him.
I'll reach out to Him, knowing that only moments ago we were strolling along in that field of daisies - hand in hand.
Keeping my heart closely knit with His will pervade the darkness of the trial.
In that closeness I will trust. I can rest assured knowing -
There's a light at the end of this tunnel. And though the darkness may last for longer than I would will it...

"God proves to be good."

Glory be to the One Who, at once, hung the stars and called me by name.
Praise be to Him Who knit me together and rolled out the clouds.
In a word, the galaxies, in all their vast complexity, were spoken into being.
From within the power of that same word is the strength to calm a broken spirit and to allay the most terrible fears.
In the words that bring life, I will choose to dwell.
In the palm of His mighty hand, I will choose to reside.

2008 will be a good year because...
Time and time again, God proves to be good.

Lamentations 3:21-33
I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left.
God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times.
When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it
full-face. The "worst" is never the worst.
Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return.