Spin Cycle.

I feel like my husband and I have been in the spin cycle with life for some time now.
While many things are happening that are good, there are issues that make me feel like a dog chasing its tail. Spinning round and round without any resolution.

This morning's church service was really something.
I went in hard and unwilling to break. The speaker was funny. He cracked joke after joke. I laughed. Then I remembered that I was supposed to be "hard."
Don't ask me how he was able to pack real substance into a gut-bustingly funny sermon. I honestly can't tell you how that happened. But it did.

Laughter. It was perhaps the only thing that could have softened me today and made me able to expose my spiritual underbelly.

I have personally been cycling in and out of very unhealthy thought processes for my entire married life.
Bitterness. Unforgiveness. Unwillingness to change. Resentment. Wishing things were different.
The whole nine.

I am not writing about this so I can hang out dirty laundry - I am writing about it because I would imagine that on one level or another, those thoughts are not isolated to my marriage, or my experiences. Everyone - in some form or fashion - has to confront disappointment. We all must confront unmet expectations.

Unmet Expectations and Disappointment could quite possibly be the hardest things I have had to deal with during the course of my marriage. The many separate issues have carried many name tags - but they have always fallen under one of the 2 aforementioned categories.

This post is in no way meant to attack my spouse. I am moreso referring to myself. Personal goals that remain unreached, unattainable.

I have mistakenly labelled things like social status, financial prosperity, likability, and outward appearance as more important than living a quality, peaceful life free from conflict and strife.
Things that aren't eternal have been emphasized as though they were.

I have neglected to spend enough time in prayer and reading God's Word, in favor of keeping up appearances - a clean house, a good marriage, well-maintained kids, 'getting ahead', etc.

Not that having a clean house, a hot meal, or plenty in your bank account are bad things to want - but if they are the only things you aspire to - you have certainly missed the mark.

The whole time my earthly house was clean, my spiritual one remained cluttered.

It's not easy to find those wonderful Scriptures that are tucked away in your heart when they are cluttered with feelings of bitterness or covered by unfair comparisons and the disappointment of your shortcomings.

This morning at church, God opened the washer's lid and stopped the relentless spin cycle.
The damaging cycle of my thoughts, the unhealthy cycle of our life, the unnecessary spin.

And now that I have had some time to reclaim my equilibrium, I have been able to adjust my thoughts to thoughts that are more productive.

There may not be any clearer resolution to some of life's quandaries - but at least I have a less dizzied focus on them.

So Thank You, Father, for opening the lid.

I said all that to say that even the most well-meaning people who want good things in life can lose focus while being bombarded by the things that happen everyday.

I never made the decision to get bitter. I woke up this morning and realized that the monster of bitterness had attached itself to my back while I fought back the monster called disappointment from the front side.

The spin cycle is not really a good place to linger.

I guess I need to get ready for a 'Rinse' cycle now.

Quitters~R~Us

At what point is it appropriate to stick up for yourself and say, "Hey pal, I quit.?!?!"
I put my two-weeks notice in over 4 weeks ago for my janitor job.

I'm not complaining. It just turned out to be less hours than I thought it was, therefore rendering itself merely annoying - not really overly financially helpful.
So - as all things go, I had to weigh the pros and cons.
Ultimately, I decided I'd rather reclaim my summer than to be tied to a job that was not only inconvenient but also added little in the way of cushion to our tight summer budget.

Since when does two-weeks notice translate to a month?

This is where all you fine-and-dandies tell me to stop being the idiot who keeps showing up to make sure the job gets done...

Touche'

Cuteness.

I was filling my coffee cup this morning as J. rounded the corner speedily.
I said, "Hey cuteness!"
He paused and looked up at me with a slightly confused look on his face and said, "Hey, Mom-ness."
He's a doll!

Something I refuse to do.

I have decided (much to the rest of the world's chagrin, I'm sure) that I am not about to get in a great big hurry for anything.
I have so many things that I should be trying to get done right now. But I have decided that I want to sit here drinking coffee with my adorable daughter in my lap watching Higglytown Heroes.
That is quality. That is what will prevent me from looking like I tried today.
I don't mind though - because I am refusing to get my feathers ruffled.
So I will meander through this way too busy day and at the end of it - I will not be sorry.

For my unique sister.

Unique. Beautiful. Made for a purpose. You have always amazed me with your willingness to adapt yourself to fill whatever need is most pressing. You are unique, yes. Indeed you have been poured into a very different mold - but that fact makes you even more useful to the Kingdom of God, not less.
As the Potter turns the Wheel, it's not always clear what type of design will unfold. Sometimes we think we know exactly where life is going to take us.
Take this fork, for example. It was made for a specific purpose - eating utensil. That was all it was ever intended to become - but someone else saw something more in it. Something beautiful. Something useful.
This fork was set apart, just as you have been.

I love all the things that make you unique - without your peculiar purpose, I, for one, would be lost.
Thank you for allowing Him to mold you differently so that you can achieve that higher calling that is yours in Him alone.
I love you!

Food for Thought.

I know most of you are sick of hearing about 'working out this' and 'eating right that' - but considering that it is filling most of my days right now - I feel there's not much else I can blog about.

I have faithfully gone to the gym for almost two weeks straight. (Minus out-of-town days.) That's two weeks longer than any previous "Get Fit" attempt I have ever made.
I am eating Special K and Lean Quisine and drinking tons of water and living in a state of aching body I have never known before now.
My daily workout generally consists of two hours of cardio and 1 hour of weights every day.
I am honestly applying myself in ways I never have in order to give this new lifestyle a fighting chance.
I am, for once, trying to lose weight and get in shape in the healthiest of ways - without resorting to starvation or other instant result methods.

I have gained weight.
Yup. Gained.

For those of you who want to tell me 'Muscle weighs more than fat,' - I scoff at your input.
I don't think it's fair that someone who is monitoring their caloric intake, and is consistently burning more calories than are being consumed, should have to listen to the bit about 'Muscle weighing more than fat.'

It's simple addition and subtraction - and I am on an upward climb.

So I have gained weight. I must be one very muscle-y girl.

You have not heard the end of this saga...

Ay Carumba!

This afternoon I made one of my favorite salads for us to eat for dinner tonight.
I have to spend lots of time chopping up tons of yummy healthy things, so I don't make it very often.

One of the key ingredients is jalapenos. I have to remove the seeds and veins.
I also threw in some cilantro, black beans, avocado, tomatoes, green chiles, serrano peppers, white corn, garlic, and lemon juice. No cooking, only chopping. So good.
(Crystal had the distinct pleasure of talking to me while I choked on the jalapeno fumes...)

Anyway, once I got it made I slipped it into the fridge, put on my workout clothes, and went to a Step aerobics class.

I thought about my yummy salad and how good it was gonna taste several times during my workout.

About halfway through the class I was sweating my buns off. I mean an 'all over body sweat.' The front of my shins were dripping. There were drops of sweat running down the bridge of my nose. My feet were saturated by gross sweat...
My toe started to burn. Not a muscle burn, but more like a nerve pain or a wasp sting. A really uncomfortable burn.

By the end of the class, it was excruciating.
I got home and removed my shoes and socks - wondering what in the world had happened to make my toe hurt so badly.

The pain was isolated to the one toe, so I checked it first. Sure enough.
A jalapeno seed had landed on my toe while I was chopping away. I must have put my sock on over the top of it, and then off I went to my workout.

So the life lesson I learned today is never chop jalapenos barefoot.
Write that one down, ladies, words to live by...

Pool time!

Because I love playdates.
Because my house cleaning is ranked 118th on the list and I am not about to have people over.
Because I miss seeing my kids playing with other kids.
Because, let's be honest, I miss seeing my mommy friends.

I am planning on taking my kids to the municipal pool on Friday at 1PM.
Please come if you can.
The forecast is sunny. Bring snacks.

Wendy: When the kids and I go, we plan to stay all day. However, there are times our plans change - like when someone poops in the pool...
SO the plan is to stay until 5 or 6ish. I could be talked into staying later if that meant you would come...
And it should cost between $5-$7.

My Little Girl.

Aargh!

No. I'm not a pirate.
My MIL and FIL are in town for my Bro-I-L's Birthday.
We went to a hibachi grill last night and it was great.
I stayed up way too late having fun and smoking everybody on Guitar Hero - who would've thought that I'm pretty decent at that game?
I slept in the middle of our living room floor and somehow - still not sure how yet - missed the fact that Chris and every other adult in our home last night got up, showered, and left the house without me even realizing it!

That was fine. The problem was that while the kids and I slept in late - we were supposed to be getting ready for a photo session. My MIL doesn't have any pictures of all her grandkids together, so she scheduled a session at Sears (without my prior knowledge, otherwise I would have suggested one of my fabulous photographer friends for the shoot...)

Anywhoo, the time for the session was 10am. I woke up at 9:30am. My kids were still asleep and I was in shock. One - because we had slept so late and Two - because there was NO WAY.

No way we would make it to a Photo Session with our hair combed and our faces washed and our dispositions not sour by 10 am...

Somehow we did it. Somehow.
I think it was a miracle. But we made it.
Two hours later and after lots of desperate attempts to get 4 kids - ages: 7 months, 3, 4, and 5 years old to smile simultaneously - I am so grateful that I have friends who are mastering the art of portrait taking. I hate Sears. I hate it.

Please can I schedule a real photo shoot soon??

Incidentally, there was only ONE shot that wasn't awful...
I couldn't even stretch the truth and say it was good - just not too terribly awful...

Somebody needs a nap.