tired.

There's so much day left at the end of my steam.

And the Rays of Hope Gleam Brighter.

Irons in the fire.
We all have them. Hoping for that day when all the ducks stand in a row and your perfect little world gets a little more perfect.

The happenings of this day might not stand out as a huge answer to prayer to everybody. But to me, it is the very type of thing that confirms my prayers and desires are being heard and there is Someone standing in my corner.

I was offered a job. A job that can be added to my current job at the same location.
Not teaching group piano. Starting tomorrow, I am the Music Teacher/Interim Janitor at our school.
I made it known that once the current cleaning lady got (ahem) 'let go' I might be interested in filling in. I will do it for the remainder of the school year and through the summer.
That will work just fine.
I will smell like bleach and I will be exhausted every day - but I am not scared to work.
And it is something I can do with my kids. And I think I can do it well - and that matters to me.

So I feel that it is settled.
God stands in my corner. He has heard and acknowledged the need. He has extended options that work with my family. And I have been blessed.
Thank You Lord, for my janitor job!

(I think I can put THAT down on the list of things I never thought I'd say.)

The Knothead Kid and The Knucklehead Mom.

My son.
What am I going to do with him?
All day yesterday he had a headache to end all headaches.
When your 4-year old son, who has no reason to conjure grand schemes for calling in sick, has a headache - one is inspired to action.
Several times yesterday he complained and even gripped his head between his hands like a football while moaning. Poor baby!
I could tell how badly he hurt. A little while later (still mid-afternoon) he fell asleep while playing outside and was difficult to wake. He fell asleep again only minutes later and slept for the rest of the afternoon. I had to really work to wake him up and he woke crying, grimacing from the pain.
He said he felt like he needed to puke, so we perched by the toilet.
He was so nauseous, but had no tangible symptoms at that point.
Moments later, roughly 3 seconds after a dose of Ibuprofen, he vomited. Awful.
I put him to bed and began to revisit the course of our day and compiled his various symptoms in my mind.
I got sub plans ready for school and then I went into his room to check on him.
He whimpered while he slept.
I woke him and he cried.
I had to ask him a question to confirm my suspicion.
"Baby, did you hit your head today?"
Crying, "Uh-huh. Harder than I ever have in my life."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I thought you would make me stop playing."

Enter WebMD. A great little site where you can type in your symptoms and they tell you that you're probably going to die.
Possible diagnoses: Meningitis or head trauma resulting in a brain bleed.
Nice.

Guess who was the pediatrician on-call last night at the local hospital.
No one.

Guess who stupid ol' me had to be reminded to make my petition.
The Great Physician.
Why does that seem to be my "When all else fails..." scenario?
I definitely should work on that.

Trust is so hard for me where my children are involved. As mother to a very vivacious son, I have always worried that I would somehow end up ruining him.

There is so much margin for error in parenting and whatever margin remains is filled to overflowing with the unpredictable.

After praying big faith-mingled-with-fear and tearful prayers, I scooped him up into my arms and took him to sleep by my side - where I proceeded to watch him breathe and wake him periodically throughout the wee hours.

Today he seemed fine. I put a call into the Doctor's office and his nurse concurred that it was very likely head trauma, but if things improved, there was little cause for concern.
And they did improve.

And I am still a weakling when it comes to believing in God's great big arms, that can stretch all the way to my house and mend my children when they have been broken.

Thank You, God for your patience that exceeds reason. The Potter's Wheel keeps right on spinning and spinning as He sculpts this mother's heart, making the really weak spots stronger and the lumpy spots smooth. What Divine patience He shows for this knucklehead!

A Ray of Hope.

I have been budgeting. And re-budgeting.
I have scribbled out innumerable budgets on scratch paper trying to make this work.
I feel like we have made every reasonable sacrifice. Our only debt is our mortgage, the rest is just bare bones living expenses. Although I am certain that Dewey Hafta Academy could teach me some budget-stretchers. She's the queen, ya know!

As I have seen it, there is only one thing left to do.
(Is it possible to increase your out-flow of money while maintaining your income and end up with enough in the end?)
There is only one way, my friends, and THAT sentence is always interjected with a phrase like 'BUT GOD' or 'Then came manna from Heaven.'
I do believe that there is reason for hope yet. One that may indeed keep me from having to take steps toward full-time employment, at least until both of my children are in grade school.

It was presented to me in a staff meeting last week.
Some of the parents on our school board have requested that I give group piano lessons. The lessons would occur during the time I already spend at work, but I would get paid for the lessons in addition to my regular salary. Increasing my salary to 150% of what it is this school year.
And because I would already be at work during the time the lessons occur, my childcare will also be included at no cost to me.

WHAT?
Uhhhh..... sure. What's the catch?

Anyway, I will follow this one as far as it takes me. Maybe we can make it work this way for one more year.
Either way, I know that God is good and our needs will be met. On that, I can rest.

The long weekend.

I looked forward to this weekend since right after spring break - isn't that what we all do?
I had all these ideas of what the weekend would hold.
Never, in any plans, did I intend on spending it cooped up in my house with sick kids.

By Saturday morning, the kids were feeling a ton better. But mommy really only felt ok enough to get out of bed and do a smidge of house work. We did venture out for McDonald's. I decided it was worth getting out to avoid cooking. I think I am hearing 'amens' from every corner.

So the antibiotics are working. I feel good enough this evening to entertain the thought of going back to work tomorrow.

And then all I have to do is long for the end of the school year. 5 more weeks!

By the way, if you can avoid such a thing - strep throat would definitely be on the short list of things to avoid.

Yuckola.

Sometimes when you feel so yucky for so many days, you start to feel like you'll never get your energy back.
We (the kids and I) have been drained and feeling bad for most of the week.
(There are definite drawbacks to working in a preschool.)
Yesterday, my energetic little man fell asleep at 5:30pm. I kept thinking he'd wake up and keep me up all night. He slept all evening and all night long.
I finally took the kids to see a doctor today.

Strep Throat.
All three of us.
NO WONDER!!!
Sometimes its just helps to have a reason why.

I guess we'll be on the road to recovery in no time.
Thank the good Lord for antibiotics!

Something for everyone.

Last night was our End of the Year program at school.
On the one hand, I think it is something to celebrate that you are near enough the end of the school year to have a program designated for that. So cheers everyone!
On the other hand, it is, most generally speaking, the music teacher's burden to bear. That makes the culmination of the school year program kinda exhausting for me.
It turned out "Through the roof CUTE!" and was, by far, my most favorite program ever!

It could be my favorite so far because this was the very first program we've had that my son didn't need a teacher assigned to him and no one else - just in case he decided to bring down the house...
He did really, really well. I watched him out of the corner of my eye and saw how he was loving it!! How rewarding that was!

And for you photogs out there, I included a slide show in this year's program. The parents were really into that.
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A's tummy bug is gone. Or is it? She threw up today, but it seemed like a gag and then throw up - less tummy-buggish. I spare no detail, do I?
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THERE IS NO SCHOOL ON FRIDAY!!!!
(Insert Hallelujah! Chorus here)
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Chris's vacation is finally over.
I am a jerk for including the word 'finally' in that sentence.
I am so completely worn out by the end of one of his vacations. It's not like he's inconvenient or anything, I would hate for my words to be interpreted that way. I LOVE spending time with him. We had a completely wonderful time together. But by the time his vacations are over, I am usually part-sad, part-glad. I am so exhausted and ready to get back into our routine!
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My son will be turning 5 years old in one month and one day.
The days are long, the years are short.
I can't believe it!
He is more cuddly and lovable than ever - and I find myself having more and more adult-like conversations with him lately.
He thinks about things that are so far outside my realm, he's already beyond my mental capabilities most days. :0
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I had to go to the bathroom with a little buddy today. Little A. was at work with me for part of the day. She smiled at me and said, "Momma, I love your big ol' booty."
Tomorrow's menu - Slim fast.

Jinxed.

At times I feel as though my kids are only sick on Sunday.
I also crave Chick-fil-A all day on Sunday.
It would seem that I can always think of a reason to need something from Hobby Lobby on Sunday.
What is that about?

BTW, A. has a tummy bug.
On Sunday.
Go figure.

Thoughts about the week.

I have thought and thought about my last post and all of your wonderful and helpful comments.
I don't think being a working mom will turn me into a sub-par mom.
I already work more than 25 hours a week.
I almost always have anxiety about situations I don't know first hand.
I have never worked full time as a mom.
I have been a full time mom.
I have worked full time.
But never both concurrently.

I think that's the problem.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to make my family work because I think that's what families do. You do what you have to do. And you live life. And you love each other through the hard stuff.
There is a good chance that there will be no other option but for me to get a full time job.
And I know that I will be able to do it, if I have to - I have several friends that have managed to work full time with young children. And they have done it well, gracefully and graciously.
God has given them the internal fortitude and grace. His grace will be no less sufficient for me.

I still have hope that this last resort is not the plan we arrive at. My heart's desire is to be with my kids for at least one more year. But I do not think I can articulate all the reasons right here on this blog that I am prepared for this eventuality.
Our life situation is potentially changing.
It's an exciting time for us - rife with growth and opportunity.

There are times, I have found, when one must sacrifice something to be able to arrive at the next level.

Who knows what tomorrow holds?
I do know that I have been given a free will and with that, I get to make choices.
But I am also bound by my covenant to my husband, to be his helpmate.

I believe that the time may have indeed come in our family when the best kind of parent I can be for my children is to be the kind of helpmate my husband needs me to be.

It could only last for a year.
It could be a thought dismissed by tomorrow morning.
It could turn into my career.

In any case, His grace will be sufficient for me.

Whinefest.

Jobs were posted on our local ISD's website yesterday.
Several.
I could apply for one of them.
I could stand a decent chance at getting one.
I don't want to.
I don't want to leave my too-perfect-for-words job, where I get to actually kiss my kids and do art projects with them every day.
I get to see my kids interact with their friends and hug them when they are having a hard day.

My job pays even more than my paycheck tells me because it is the PERFECT job for being a wannabe stay-at-home mom.

I don't want to go to a different campus.
I don't want to depend on someone else to drop off or pick up my kids, even if that someone is my wonderful Momma - which really would be best case scenario, if I HAD to go to work full time... But I want those memories. I want to be the one who asks them first 'How was your day?' or "What did you learn about today?" For some reason, that defines a big part of motherhood for me.
See? I am whining about being overly blessed here...
My Mom is ready and willing to fill whatever shoes we need her to fill, because that's what she does. And she could probably fill my shoes better than I could. Not everybody has that kind of availability, or Top-Notch childcare.
The problem is, I don't want to need childcare.
I want to be with my babies.

I went into the admin building today and my heart just sank.
To say that I was devastated would be overstating it - but even still there was a definite heaviness in my spirit.
We have not heard anything back on other job-search related fronts, and this is plan B.
So I asked my questions to the really nice lady in the HR department and I have been searching online tonight for further course of action.
My heart is heavy.
I don't feel ready for this.

I am so ready for the school year to end, but the question lingers - Is this my last few weeks to get to participate in my children's education in a really hands-on way?
I know that once I start to full-time work, it will not stop. So this really could be it.

Whatever happens will happen for reasons my mind can neither predict nor understand.
I am not the Writer of the Script here, so I will put my trust snugly in Him and say, "It is well with my soul."

Before too long, I might even start to believe that...