My angel

Isn't is funny how when a person is at the highest high, happiest happy, swellest swell people flock to them?
It's human nature. People are drawn to happiness, success, and positive things. Wedding days, baby births, birthday parties, all the fun stuff - it's as natural to desire to be a part of those celebrations in others' lives as it is to look forward to those moments in your own life.

Some people are just happy by nature, never allowing themselves the gluttony of self pity or the aggravation of inadequacy. They just plod along with their faces to the sky and seem to truly enjoy their lives, come what may.

So what of the 'negative nellies?'

You know those. We all know at least one. You might even BE one. I myself have been really strung out on negativity for a while now. Some of us are affected by hurtful inner thoughts more than others. Some people struggle day after day with mental and emotional anguish. Some call it a "bad hair day" or "pms" or whatever, but we all know that it is a day to avoid the person who has been affected by the 'negative nellies' as if it is some kind of virus. After all, it's contagious.

It can get to the point that you don't want to be around you either, and as a courtesy to those around you, you avoid exposing them to what ails you.

I have been there. Hoping each day for at least a month that today would be the day that I felt the warmth of the sunshine again. What bothers me most is that it is an obvious weakness. I hate weakness. No. I detest it.

Inner weakness is a sure way to prove that I haven't been relying of God.

Today, in spite of the fact that I tried to construct an excuse not to be able to go to church, I ended up going. I sat by myself initially. Then God sent me an angel.

The sermon was eye-opening and difficult to hear all at the same time. It was about healing. Pastor addressed many misconceptions or misconstruances (made up word) about healing.
I always think of someone in a wheelchair or somebody with cancer when I think of those needing to be healed. Today it was revealed to me that the emotional sickness I have been struggling with is just that - a sickness. Something that I can, in fact, be healed of. I need to be healed. This sickness is slowly taking away my capacity to love.

I have always been a 'picker' - you could never make me any happier than to ask me to take care of a blackhead for you - gross, I know, but true. As a result of my obsession with 'picking', I have been sitting in a dark place 'picking' at my wounds for way too long.

I wrestled with the altar call. I knew that the people who would answer the call were most likely in need of REAL healing. Not like me, the girl who just needs to get over herself and get it together for crying out loud.

I had one of those 'good guy vs. bad guy sitting on my shoulder' moments where I really tried to rationalize and size up God's ability - as if God pours a tiny amount of His Glory into a measuring cup and drizzles it ever so lightly over the most deserving. The bad guy on my shoulder argued that God would never waste even a drop of His healing juice on my stupid emotional drama. Just get a good self-help book already. Better yet, get some help of the pharmaceutical variety.

Then the good guy on my shoulder reminded me of Jesus' 40 days of fasting in the wilderness just after His Baptism.
Even though Jesus had the power to turn those rocks into a loaf of bread at Satan's suggestion, He withstood. He did that for me. For anyone who deals with those mental battles.
He withstood the cunning delusions of Satan - Challenges far greater than any I've experienced or will experience because I needed to be able to trust in a God Who has 'been there.' He bore that burden for me.
Then He took it to the cross.

Isaiah 53:5
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

So I went to the altar. The altar of healing. The altar of expectation. A place where I could meet with God, show Him my wounds, and ask for His healing.

I was ushered by an angel, though I didn't know it at the time. The very moment I arrived there, two hands gently pressed on my shoulders as if to say, "I'm here. I understand."
And I knew she did.

I have been ruminating on a certain Scripture because of the nature of this battle.
While I stood at the altar, Pastor prayed a simple prayer for me. He said, "Renew."
"Renew."
Over and over, He prayed for renewal. Just the one word, renew.
At that point, I knew. I was validated. My cries had been heard by God. You see? Here's my Scripture:

Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Whether or not I will wake up tomorrow and wage a battle again for my sanity, I do not know.
I am believing for healing. That healing begins in my thoughts. The renewing of my mind. It will take time. But soon I will feel the warmth of His Sonshine upon my face and loving and trusting will become easy again.

I am loving the thought of loving with abandon once again.