Spin Cycle.

I feel like my husband and I have been in the spin cycle with life for some time now.
While many things are happening that are good, there are issues that make me feel like a dog chasing its tail. Spinning round and round without any resolution.

This morning's church service was really something.
I went in hard and unwilling to break. The speaker was funny. He cracked joke after joke. I laughed. Then I remembered that I was supposed to be "hard."
Don't ask me how he was able to pack real substance into a gut-bustingly funny sermon. I honestly can't tell you how that happened. But it did.

Laughter. It was perhaps the only thing that could have softened me today and made me able to expose my spiritual underbelly.

I have personally been cycling in and out of very unhealthy thought processes for my entire married life.
Bitterness. Unforgiveness. Unwillingness to change. Resentment. Wishing things were different.
The whole nine.

I am not writing about this so I can hang out dirty laundry - I am writing about it because I would imagine that on one level or another, those thoughts are not isolated to my marriage, or my experiences. Everyone - in some form or fashion - has to confront disappointment. We all must confront unmet expectations.

Unmet Expectations and Disappointment could quite possibly be the hardest things I have had to deal with during the course of my marriage. The many separate issues have carried many name tags - but they have always fallen under one of the 2 aforementioned categories.

This post is in no way meant to attack my spouse. I am moreso referring to myself. Personal goals that remain unreached, unattainable.

I have mistakenly labelled things like social status, financial prosperity, likability, and outward appearance as more important than living a quality, peaceful life free from conflict and strife.
Things that aren't eternal have been emphasized as though they were.

I have neglected to spend enough time in prayer and reading God's Word, in favor of keeping up appearances - a clean house, a good marriage, well-maintained kids, 'getting ahead', etc.

Not that having a clean house, a hot meal, or plenty in your bank account are bad things to want - but if they are the only things you aspire to - you have certainly missed the mark.

The whole time my earthly house was clean, my spiritual one remained cluttered.

It's not easy to find those wonderful Scriptures that are tucked away in your heart when they are cluttered with feelings of bitterness or covered by unfair comparisons and the disappointment of your shortcomings.

This morning at church, God opened the washer's lid and stopped the relentless spin cycle.
The damaging cycle of my thoughts, the unhealthy cycle of our life, the unnecessary spin.

And now that I have had some time to reclaim my equilibrium, I have been able to adjust my thoughts to thoughts that are more productive.

There may not be any clearer resolution to some of life's quandaries - but at least I have a less dizzied focus on them.

So Thank You, Father, for opening the lid.

I said all that to say that even the most well-meaning people who want good things in life can lose focus while being bombarded by the things that happen everyday.

I never made the decision to get bitter. I woke up this morning and realized that the monster of bitterness had attached itself to my back while I fought back the monster called disappointment from the front side.

The spin cycle is not really a good place to linger.

I guess I need to get ready for a 'Rinse' cycle now.