This will be funny someday.

Yesterday, my son thought it would be entertaining to color A's bedroom walls, doors, carpet, and furniture with lip gloss.
This was no mild infraction.
It actually evoked the quiet response from me.
If none of you are familiar with the quiet response, it goes like this:

Normal response - You walk into the room and find something kinda awful, you shout and holler and the kids are not phased at all.

Quiet response - You walk into the room and find something despicable beyond all belief, you utter no words. You just stare. There probably aren't words to describe all that is being communicated with the stare. At long last, you quietly, and in a somewhat psychotic whispery voice, offer suggestions like, "J, why don't you walk down the hall, (pause) into the kitchen, (gulp) and grab a washcloth. Then you can come back and (gleefully and detached) clean this up. (All smiles)"

There is real fear in the room at this point. I do not encourage using the quiet response for anything other than real, nightmarish events - otherwise it loses its potency.

I have never had to utilize my psycho, quiet trick twice in a short period of time. Until today.

Yesterday was lip gloss artwork. Today was much, much worse.

First of all, it would be important to note that there is a mother-in-law visit in progress. She witnessed the whole thing. For that, I am ashamed because due to the sheer magnitude of the offense, I had to 'up' the poker face just a smidge.

Here's today's event:
The kids have worn me ragged throughout the day prior to the arrival of Grandma with oodles of Easter baskets and goodies. Enter goodies: enter misery for mom.
They were ravaging the baskets and making Grandma feel so happy.
How they savored their treats! It was kinda cute. Until...
They had run out into the backyard and crushed about a dozen confetti eggs and then thought it might be cool to crush the hard boiled eggs they just painted, Yucko!
Egg in hair is not really a good look for anyone, nor is it a delightful smell.
The worst of it came when J. realized that playing with gum when Mom isn't looking is an adrenaline rush.
He must've pulled it out of his mouth and started playing with it. Stretching it out between his fingers, like a "spiderweb."
Next thing I knew A. walked in with her head ducked low and said, "Mommy, J. put spiderwebs all in my hair."
I looked real close and felt of it, because this looked like one phenomenal spider web!
It was NOT spiderweb. It was gum.
It sufficiently coated her entire head in a web-like pattern. It was smeared into her eyebrows and down one of her cheeks.
Then came the boy child.
He walked in with gobs of sticky mess between his fingers and his best attempt at putting 'bubble gum' eyeshadow on.

At this point, it was clear we were all too far invested in this moment to back out now.
I quietly asked, "J, is this bubblegum?" Ha! As if there were any other possibility...
He sheepishly said, "It's spiderweb."
Good one.
I encouraged them to go to the bathtub and touch NOTHING along the way.
A's hair was an absolute mess. I just KNEW she'd have to be shaved bald for Easter. Tragic, I tell you.
My mother-in-law kinda stood in the bathroom doorway watching, waiting to see if there was anything she could do. I think she was already horrified at the pace my children keep, but this was way more than either of us expected.
I calmly talked with my son about all the reasons this was unacceptable.
And furthermore, that he would not even remember what chewing/bubble gum is by the time he got to college, which is the next time he'll be given a piece.
There were spankings involved. Calm, earned spankings.
I proceeded to strip globs of gum out of my daughter's hair.
Hair by hair. Olive oil is what it took. And olive oil is messy all by itself.
I pulled off the quiet crazy response flawlessly.

Both of my kids were beyond mortified by the end of this experience.

The psycho mom trick is way too easy for me.
Almost natural.