I had to enroll A. in a school for Tues./Thurs. mornings today at another Mom's day out in town.
She will be at a different facility than me.
I was unexpectedly sad. So upset, actually, I was sick.
It will eat up another $100 a month out of my paycheck which begins to make my part-time job seem nearly pointless.
I don't know what to do.
I love my job.
but I obviously love my kids more.
I don't know what choice is the right choice.
I added it up and I'm working around 30 hours a week, which makes the hourly total good enough - unless you factor in the cost of childcare and time away from your babies... (priceless and irreplaceable)
I don't know if I am good enough at all the household things that are required of me to be away from my house so many hours each week. It's beginning to wear me out. I have had to really cut down on what I expect out of myself, just to get by. I hate the mentality of "scraping by."
I also think that there are few things as unattractive (when paired with my personality) than "overwhelmed." I don't do "overwhelmed" very well at all.
I wish there was a clear answer, like a booming voice from Heaven.
Would that be workable, God?
My body is involuntarily rejecting this idea of her going to yet another child-care facility, just to accommodate my dwindling paycheck...
It began with extreme heartburn last night. An anxiety attack and nightmares.
I was sick to my stomach all day because of the new development.
I tried to rationalize my anxiety away, but I just got sicker and sicker...
I hope it's a temporary fix for the problem.
The problem being, C's boss has been consistently ignoring his schedule conflicts on Tues./Thurs. mornings and putting us in an up-the-creek situation.
Admittedly, my boss is VERY flexible with my family's needs as they arise, but if A. had to start coming to work with me on a regular basis - that would probably wear my boss out fairly quickly.
Taking A. the 30 miles to my parent's house on a regular basis and making the trip to pick her up was not only time-consuming but also very expensive.
The only choice that seemed to work both for my job and for us financially was this.
It would be even harder, except that she loves it.
I asked her how it went and she said she likes it a lot, better than staying at home. She loves 'school.'
That makes me feel better.
I just can't shake the uneasiness.
Maybe a better solution can be worked out - but for now, this settles the topsy-turvy Tues./ Thurs. mornings.
I know God knows the answers.
So I will try to rest easy.
So many times in my life I can look back and see how God ordered my steps so that everything would fall into place. I will put my trust in Him.
I have to, because right now, I don't like it.
13 comments:
Lord I pray an overwhelming peace over A. right now. Calm her, settle her. I pray that your perfect will and timing will play itself out. Lord bless this family. Let her know her best is good enough. Thank You for it.
Love you and little A. I'm sure all of this schooling will pay off big.
hmmm.... if i may be kinda frank...
#1. You're physical illness/reaction to this is truly a concern (stupid computer touch pad!!! I just deleted about half of what I just typed!!! AAAHHHH)
Anyways- maybe this whole situation is not of God. Maybe Satan is trying to wear you down and string you out. He does like to keep us too busy, distracted,or frustrated to do God's work. And the most important "job" you have is raising Godly children. Who knows what future effects they will have on the future souls for heaven! ;) Or it could be just your "momma-protector-instincts" kicking in...please don't lick any more batteries though! lol
#2 - Your uneasiness about whole thing. Pray, pray,pray and pray some more! If it is of God, you WILL RECEIVE peace about it. It may take a couple of hours or even a couple of days though. Sometimes we just can't understand God and how He's working but if it is of God, you will have peace about it. Now that doesn't mean that you'll necessarily like it, but you will have the peace. .... I remember when Rich received his calling into full time ministry. We just had Jason. He was 6 wks old and I had to go back to work so Rich could stay home to do his seminary studies and take care of Jason. I was physically sick to my stomach. I felt like every thing in my body was screaming that "this isn't right". I even went for some "Godly" council thru some deacons at our home church. EVERY one was telling us that this was NOT the way to "do it". I fought it for about a month, maybe even longer. I was convinced that maybe Rich really wasn't called into full time ministry, just part-time. I tried arguing with Rich, pleading with him, etc. But he was set on doing things this way. At the time, it was the best for the situation. Finally, I gave it up to God. Once I released my worries and guilt (for leaving a newborn and returning to work), I HAD PEACE! Was it of God? Was it of Satan? I believe it was both. God wanted Rich into ministry and Satan wanted Rich to stay out of ministry!
So just pray, pray, pray for God's peace and wisdom...and yes, things will work out for the good of those who love HIM!
and stop counting how many words i've typed! ;)
Luv Ya! - A
i'll be praying God gives you the perfect answer.
if you're still online can you call me tonight. squirt needs to ask you a question and i have misplaced your phone number.
love you.
If we were staying I would offer for her to come here in a heartbeat! Julia would love that. That mom and dad of yours need to come back to town. =)
Well, sisser, both of your kids LOVE 'school'. Little J has thrived. A has rolled with the punches. You have settled down as a mommie. (I think your exposure to other kids has proven that you aren't ruining them!) Anyway, There have been so many positives. It's just another change...
I am always avaliable on those Tues to watch her and that would be some much fun for A. I might be able to help out on some Thurs if it was a Mon or Wed morning I could help out a lot more.
Call me if I can help. And no it would not be a problem because my daughter's would love having thme over!!
Same goes for us. F. would love for little A. to come over. Maybe E could take Tuesdays and I could take Thursdays. I know the girls would have a good time. They play so well together. Think about it.
awww... Shan just sent me an email of ya'll sanging together! Thank you, Thank you!
I love to hear my purty freyand and her sisser sang!!! ;)
Seems to me you asked, answered, received, was overwhelmed and put your trust in God and got awesome answers all in one setting. God is so good. He will answer.
Praying that in one way or another, God will work things out and give you peace.
Love you!!!
I think you require way too much of yourself. I've seen your house "messy" and it made me want to vomet, then run home and try to clean my house enough to be "messy." Well, I don't want to be too redundant to the other post, but pray, I'll be praying, and of course, A. could stay here any Tues/Thurs she wanted. Z would love a playmate.
i pray that God will quickly guide your steps and that you will have immediate peace.
love ya.
I know that you will listen to the whisper.
Father God I pray that YOU will make this decision clear as water, that YOU will give A the feeling of complete peace without reservations in her decision. I pray that if A makes a decision and it is not YOUR will, YOU will close the windows and doors. I pray that YOU will shine YOUR light on the right door. Shine it so brightly in A's spirit that she will know that it only comes from YOU LORD. We love you and we thank you that A. wants what is best for little A, however YOU know and want what is best for them both. Make your will known in Jesus name amen"
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