My babies.

My babies are not babies anymore.
I just peeked into their rooms at their teensy bodies in their beds.
Their teensy bodies are not teensy.
They are not even small by any definition.
They are 'whole bed taking' bodies.

I stood there in the doorway.
Silent. Eyes filled with tears.

As absolutely eager as I am about the days that lie ahead for them, I am equally as forlorn about the days that are no more.

When my kids were really small, I was never confident about mothering.
All I knew was I loved them and I wanted everything for them, but the whole 'nurturing' thing did not come naturally for me.

When I was a little girl, I didn't rock baby dolls in rocking chairs. I tracked down ants, climbed trees, and perfected my long jump.
I never had a nurturing thought.
I remember my daddy asked me once, "What are you gonna be when you grow up?"
I told him, "I don't want kids. I wanna be a successful attorney."
I think I was 8 or 9 at the time.

I never knew how opposite my life would turn out when compared with those "aspirations."
I am so glad I was wrong about what I thought I wanted.

Not even when I was pregnant with J, did I fully understand all the implications of motherhood.
I still don't.
I learn more about myself everyday through my children.
I don't think there's any way I have taught them as much as they have taught me.

I love everything about being a mom.
I love their personalities. Huge blossoming personalities.
I love swishing bubbles in the bathtub for them and seeing the way their eyes light up when the tub is heaping with bubbles.
I love it when they eat something new and love it.
(I made pot stickers for dinner last night. I thought J. would burst from eating pot stickers! He also learned how to eat with chopsticks! There is no adequate way to describe how cute that was...)
I love kissing boo-boo's.
I love brushing hair. Sweet, wavy golden brown hair.
I love smelling them.
Even dirty, stinky boys have a smell that is oh! so sweet when they belong to you.
But girls! Oh my! Girls smell like soft, squishy sweetness all the time.

I love their honest satisfaction over a job well done.
We carved pumpkins tonight. They did a really great job. I didn't notice any flaws in their work and neither did they. Their pumpkins were perfect! And that is the way they will always remember this night... It was perfect! In a moment of pure glee, J. was sawing away at that pumpkin and said, "This is better than any dream I ever had!" All I could think was, 'Me too, son, me too...'

Truly, being able to share those moments with my children is the most rewarding thing I have ever done.
Moments like those take the sting out of fits thrown in public.
They make wild and unruly behavior seem less so.
Those moments turn an ordinary day into something extraordinary.

So as I look at their 'larger than I realized' bodies snugly curled up in their beds, I can weep gentle tears.
I do miss so many things about their baby hood,
but I really haven't missed that much at all.
I have so much today because of them. So many wonderful memories.
I am today so much more myself, because of them.
I see, in them, everything in life that I ever hoped to become - and I am overjoyed.