I am sharing because someday this will be funnier than it was today...
5:12pm > I have to be at school for an open house by 5:30pm.
We are frantically getting ready. The kids are finishing up their SECOND dinner because the first was unacceptable... (Don't ask me why I gave in, I just needed things to go smoothly and I couldn't find my taser.)
I told J. to change his clothes because he looked like a "ragamuffin." I neatly laid out his clothes on the living room floor for him.
I told him more times than a proud parent will admit readily. It must have been like the fourth or fifth time that I told him to get his hands and face washed, and get his clothes changed...
But it was more like, "GET YOUR HANDS AND FACE WASHED AND GET YOUR CLOTHES CHANGED..." (from across the house while I reassembled pigtails for the elevendy-millionth time)
I said, "Did you hear me?"
No answer.
I start shuffling through the house looking for him while still getting ready.
"J. this isn't funny!!! If you can hear me say, 'I'm here'..."
No response.
5:18pm
Checking his bedroom.
Checking closets.
"Oh God, Where are you?"
"J. You have to answer me..."
"WHERE ARE YOU? THIS IS NOT A GAME!!! J. MOMMA'S WORRIED!!!"
5:20ish> I'm running around outside shouting at the top of my lungs, in a dress, with no shoes on, in an absolute frenzy...
"J. Where are you?"
"Please, please Where ARE YOU???"
5:2-something...>
Back inside.
Still looking in every crack and crevasse for my precious.
I start looking in places that I have already looked once.
"If you are hiding from me , when I find you........ AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!
So help me, J. I am so scared. WHERE ARE YOU??????"
I went back to my bedroom and then the bathroom.
I looked in my shower for the THIRD time...
There he was.
Laughing.
5:28pm>
This is the exact moment of indescribable relief and anger that overtakes every atom of a mother upon discovery of the unsolicited game of hide and seek they have come to realize they were playing...
He laughed. It. was. the. greatest. thing.----EVER!
I began to explain in my crazy person voice all the reasons it was not funny.
#1 being: What if you had been kidnapped?
#2: What if you had been dragged away by tigers? (a mother must always include tiger mauling as a derogatory consequence for various mal-acts)
#3: I am late to the open house and you are standing here in Superman underwear with syrup all in your hair and laughing???
Oh no you don't... That's it. That's the last straw...Come here...
I was still ranting about 5 minutes later when the doorbell rang.
I cannot tell you all the reasons I knew who it was.
Every mother must have that sense of dread... Being caught in their weakest and most insane moment.
I just knew it was CPS.
They had to have heard my shrieks of terror and then ANGER BEYOND ANGER.
They were coming to take them away...
I went to the door and it was the Kirby people.
Stupid Kirby salespeople.
Oh Thank God, it was the Kirby people.
5:34pm> We're in the car.
5:37pm> We're at school. All polished up. Like nothing ever happened...
7 comments:
that was the best sitcom I watched today! Ya know, I don't even need to have a t.v. addiction, I just read your blog a couple of times a day! lol!
That was insanely funny. Mostly because any person with a child more than a year old has been through it.
Its even worse when your neigbors are outside and see the whole thing. Yikes.
That was so funny! Of course that sounds like us on Sunday morning. Speaking of a good vaccum..... No they are way too expensive.
I always know that I will have laughter flowing from deep within as I read your blog. Love you.
oh A....stop it you just made me pee my pants.
that's just too stinkin' funny ... and yes, I'm laughing now! ;)
TJ did that to me not too long ago. Rich went to take the dog outside. TJ was quietly watching tv. I ran upstairs to put J's clothes away and when I came down, I did not see TJ. I did a quick search, calling out for him. No answer. I figured he just went outside with Rich. MY first mistake. When Rich came back in with just the dog, I asked him where TJ was. He, naturally, looked dumbfounded at me. I went into panic mode and ramsacked the house, screaming for him... Rich went back outside to look. After about 5 minutes, out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement under the blanket throw we have on our couch. Yep. There he was!
And yes, I got a lecture from Rich about how "...you can't leave a 2 yr old for even just a minute and that some day, he's going to come home to an empty house because I was not doing my "momma duty" of watching the kids and he's going to get blamed for murdering his family and be put in jail.... blah, blah, blah...
I feel yo'pain, sis'ta! ;)
I am laughing uncontrollably at this moment!!!! I seriously think I'm going to wet my pants!
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