The LOVE Doctor is in...

So during this month of Love, I have made some choices about how I am going to love.

• freely- without holding back
• passionately - without remembering a grudge
• tenderly- without a hint of being forced
• truly -exposing my underbelly
• deeply -as though my life depended on it

As freely as water pours over the edge of a cliff, I want love to flow forth from me.

Without even pausing for a moment to question the trade-off or the risk: I endeavor to love my husband, my children, my family, and my friends. Yes, even strangers. Harder still, to those who would gain from seeing me fall - my position will remain a loving one.

Beyond the obvious, I am going to work really hard at thinking loving thoughts when a horn honks next door at 2:30 in the am. When I get cut off in traffic - HA! traffic... When someone says something snide or catty, I want to resist the urge to jerk my knee. Turn the other cheek and plant a big fat smooch on theirs instead.

When I want nothing more than to have a moment to myself, but the world just keeps on turning - rather than 'frustrated' or 'overwhelmed', I want love to be my response.

It's all about love. And the LOVE Doctor is in...

Giant J.

He is now 4 years, 8 months.

He is big like a man. Too big to fit comfortably in my lap.

He scrunches up his body into a ball to sit in my lap.

His heart is pure gold. His mind is brilliant.

He's absolutely dreamy!

His language skills are probably better than mine.

He still says his Momma is his girlfriend.

Nothing makes him happier than a dirt pile, a bucket, and a stick.

He hates mashed potatoes and has yet to concede that bedtime is not negotiable.

If anyone ever figures everything out, it will be him.

He's reading small books with small words. He knows all the planets - in order.

He ran inside yesterday and said, "Mom, you have to see this! The bee is pollinating out here!!"

My sweet brilliant baby boy craves learning. I love that!

Little A.

She is now 3 years and 2 months old.

Her language skills are incredible. (She must get her chatterbox from her momma.)

What amazes me is her ability to portray empathy. She is soooo empathetic. And sweet. And lovey dovey.

She always asks me to lay down next to her when I tuck her in at night - then she stares at me with her big brown eyes. She's really the softest, most tender heart I know.

I love to watch her play Momma to her baby dolls. There may not be anything that makes her as excited as getting her fingernails 'done.'

Fashion is big for her at three years of age.

Her bubba is her best friend and she still uses her blankie (Ayee) every night and day. It is so tattered it probably needs to be thrown away, but I'll never do it!

She is my sweet princess.

When I imagine my doll, I see her stretching her arms into the air and saying, "Hold you..." in the prettiest-sounding voice ever.

My babies are gone.

My parents have my kids.
They took them so that I could study for tomorrow.
I am so lonely but I have managed to kick back 2 and a half good study hours since I got off work.
I am actually hoping for some quality time with my hunny tonight.
But only for a short while, then it's 'hit the books' again!

I miss my blogworld friends!

I did, however, commit to let blogging go until this hurdle was crested.

A lesson learned: Take exams pertaining to things learned in college right after college.

unofficial.

I received THE "unofficial" Scores back today.
I "unofficially" passed.
I am unofficially relieved.

Wednesday holds the other half of the exam.
We shall see...

ExCet.

I have been torn about whether or not to report my 'gut feeling' about the exam.
What if I go all 'arrogant' and say I aced it and find out later that I really didn't?
I don't want to pop off and say I passed - only to find out that there's perhaps no one who has ever scored quite so low...

I did feel good about it though.

So for the next couple of weeks, ignorance will continue to rule my thoughts about the exam.
I will be blissfully hopeful.
But if at any point during the next few weeks you catch me playing my Air Guitar or doin' the Roger Rabbit - you will know that I have received good news.

Next week, I will take the second portion of my cert. exam.

I don't know why I have always been the kid who sat up all night before the first day of school.
Literally making myself sick over what would happen the next day. Counting pencils. Rustling through notebooks. Academia defined me. I was the third child. I needed to have 'my thing.' I guess school was my thing. Now that I have been out of school for so long, I am not accustomed to the whole, Pass/Fail thing. It makes me anxious.

It would seem like everything that comes up that is somehow outside of my regular pattern of life makes me crazy for a little while. Heartburn, acne, insomnia, nightmares, heart palpitations, nail biting - I have an absolute adverse physical reaction to stress.
Anxiety. To some people it's just a word. It would seem to me, it's a self-made prison.

Peace. An elixir from heaven. Just can't say enough about it!
Need some Anxiety Elixir to cool my jets!

The Real Question.

So when a person gets bad about updating their blog:
Is it because there is nothing to say, or because there is too much to say?

I still cannot manage to answer that question.

A hundred times a day I think to myself, "I should put that on my blog."
And I truly intend to.

Then after 40 kagillion things have happened and I finally get the kids to bed, I sit down at the laptop, get all 'geared up,' and I can think of nothing. NOTHING.

My brain is completely numb. All personality has been drained from me. All I can think of is Nothing.

So I am sorry for the absolute boredom that has been My Blog lately.
I will try to think of something worthwhile to say.
Until then, you must endure what is left of me at the end of the day.
You guessed it. Nada.

A beautiful release.

Did you ever just look at someone you love and a rush of emotions overcomes you? I mean takes you over completely without even so much as asking permission?

I was zooming through the day, taking care of all that necessary but never-ending 'mom' stuff, and I peeked in on the most beautiful thing.
I wasn't looking for something beautiful - or a reason to gasp in awe-filled wonder.
I wasn't in the most (ahem) grateful mood.
I admittedly haven't been floating around in a cloud of spiritual peace and worship.

But I turned the corner, and what I saw, or rather, what nailed me between the eyes as I stared, breathless, at this perfection, was an infusion of something more tangible than emotion.

I was so overcome with the apparent bestowal of gifts from God in my life. Blessings were suddenly all around me.
I wept. Huge, effortless tears.
I knelt to the floor and held two of my blessings. Each one paused for a moment and let me cradle their growing bodies in my lap as I uttered a prayer of life-giving praise to God for them and the privilege of raising them.
Their sweet, innocent eyes looked my way as I tenderly pushed back their hair to kiss them. Such intense, yet pure love for them poured out.
God has been so good to me.
Each breath I'm given is worthy of my highest praise, but to add to the growing abundance He has poured into my lap, two truly amazing children with which I am charged to teach, and love, and raise to adore Him.

Needless to say, my otherwise mundane, effort-filled, never-ending day took on a whole different feel after that one pristine moment of thankfulness and praise to God.

*sigh* Yes, those moments that take our breath away are what it's all about.

who can title this post?

Chris's first day back to work after vacation was today. 6am-9pm. A poignant reminder of our situation. I will leave it at that.

Tonight, I have been studying and studying for this ExCet that will occur on Wednesday.
I have made lesson plans for whoever takes my classes.
I have made arrangements for my kids' care and bought foods to accommodate their meal needs while I travel to take the test.

I have taken 3 practice tests.
I have failed two of the 3 practice tests.
I am having nightmares about being stupid and unfit to teach and all of the related thoughts that pop into your mind when, for some reason, you fail a multiple choice practice test 2 out of 3 times...
Lord, please don't let this be a wasted day off and $120 completely for naught.

I will admit that I have not done all the studying I should have done - but who could? Between working, laundry, holidays, cooking meals, paying bills, child rearing, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, entertaining house guests, etc. I have been completely and totally swamped.

I have studied some though. And 'some' has always been enough in my educational past...
We'll see.

La had baby Joshua.
crys is going to have Casen on Wed.

I think I might feel like I have given birth to a 6-year old after I get these tests over with. That's how long I have put them off - 6 years!!

I have learned a few things about myself over this whole saga:

1. Stress makes me mean.
2. A dirty/cluttered house makes me stressed.
3. I medicate my stress-induced meanness by cultivating a costly ebay addiction with a particular interest in pretty little girl clothes and hairbows...
4. I will conjure up almost any reason I can think of to procrastinate studying. I will: try out different colors of paint in my bedroom, organize sock drawers, scrub grout lines with a toothbrush, be unusually taken with construction paper and glitter glue for long periods of time, read a stack of 15 books to my kids at bedtime, postpone bedtime for upwards of 30 minutes just because (yeah, I know - craaazy).

Literally anything that can keep my mind off this albatross is whatever I'll focus on. This ridiculousness needs to be over.

Peace. The peace only God gives. That's what I need. And a passing score. And a job. And...

Peace.

Julio's for Alycia

Sure. I'd be glad to send some to you!
I'll get your email from shan.
I'll try to get them in the mail tomorrow.
How many bags?
Big bags or small bags?
Do you want the sauce too?
And would that be mild or hot?